Frog's House of Infinite Wisdom

This chunky drunk should have had to pay for two tickets -- just like if it was an airplane seat! They should have kicked her ass out a lot sooner! I hate those people that go to concerts and think they can do whatever they want without consideration of the people around them. Everyone's seated? They stand! It's a quiet show? They are screaming the lyrics! It's a standing no-seat show? They move in front of you. Screw her. If there was assigned seating and she was in the wrong spot, get her fat country cowboy-hat-wearing ass out of there!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha! I'm giddy! Ha ha ha ha! I've seen faint signs of the end. He's actually started cleaning the porch! Just in time... the cigarette butts are all swept up into one spot. Nothing thrown away, though. He's probably reminiscing about all those delicious cigarettes.

"Click on me for hot girl-on-girl action!"

This could possibly be the greatest story I've ever read. Natalie Portman is talking about getting it on with other chicks. What genius reporter pulled this out of her!??

Reporter:"We have Natalie Portman here in the studio. Natalie, thank you for coming by!"
Natalie Portman:"Thank you for having me."
Reporter:"Although there was some criticism of the first movie, it would seem the critics are finally falling in line with the Star Wars series."
Natalie: "Well, I've always thought the movies had merit. I'm a fan of the first movie as well as the second."
Reporter:"Interesting. Are you a fan of other chicks?"
Natalie: "Pardon."

End scene.

Nothing new to report... all's quiet on the southeastern front. He hasn't made a dent in his packing as far as I can tell. He might be completely oblivious to the date. I guess when there's no clear distinction between "weekday" and "weekend", every day is a day off. I'm nervous about his last days at the house. Anyone capable of pouring coffee on someone's phone is capable of doing other obnoxious things, don't you think?

That past weekend was spent far away from the homestead, which was good because it kept my mind off of the whole roommate thing. He now has six days to get all of his belongings out of the house. Ohhhh... I'm getting excited! I haven't been to the house in a few days but I suspect he hasn't done a thing to prepare for the move. And I'm not obliged to extend his stay so anything that isn't out of the house by Monday will get a polite shove out of the door.

I've decided to post some pictures of the porch where Mike likes to sit for hours. When he could be working. It's actually CLEANER than it was last week. For some reason, he took down his row of beer bottles he had lined up on the windowsill.

Here's a wide shot of the porch. This is where losers go to contemplate their future. Or their next beer.



I put the paper bag out there so he would do this. Corner = garbage can!



"Sometimes, when I'm bored, I like to etch into someone else's chair."



Another shot of the porch. If I close my eyes, I can imagine that beer bottle on the stool (that has been there for weeks) magically floats into the garbage bag located mere inches away!



Why use the ashtray when the floor is straight down from my lazy ass arm?! Mmmmmm... tar..... nicotene...



As you can see, the guy is a bit messy. And the pictures really don't do it justice. If only I had "smell-o-vision"... The pictures really don't show the gray, splotchy look of the floor from his ground-in ashes. And for some reason, he cleaned out the ashtray! First time in months!

Here's an article about a teacher that does crazy experiments in class that get the students excited about chemistry. And now, they are trying to fire him. He's been doing the same stuff for 25 years but the PC world has finally caught up with him. Personally, I would have LOVED a teacher like him because my high school chemistry teacher was one of those overeducated PhD guys who couldn't (or wouldn't) get a job teaching college students so he decided that his intellect was better suited to bore high school kids. He could barely speak and I don't remember ever doing anything in that class besides doing homework for other classes.

Anyone up for a road trip to the new beer capitol of the U.S.A., Ohio!

On a lighter note... the wonderous, magical properties of male ejaculate. Oh, stop squirming! We're all adults here!

This is Crazy Dude. He's crazy. And he'd like to voice his opinion about the roommate situation. "Why is this guy still alive?! Maybe it's the 15 cups of coffee talking, but I would have gutted him like a friggin' fish months ago? Are you a saint? Or are you just a friggin' stupid ass?! ANSWER ME!!!!!!" Well, Crazy Guy... "It's 'Crazy Dude', dickhead! Get it straight!?!!! AAAAAARRRRGGHH!!!" Well, Crazy Dude, I'm no saint. And I've indicated this to the roommate just as I'm telling you. I leave things lying around the house on occasion but I pick up after myself. And I pick up after him. He never lifts a finger to clean, which is annoying. I also went through a year where he payed bills late. And there are the other things that he did that show a general lack of common sense as well as a lack of concern for others in the house. I'll be taking a picture of the back porch to display for all to see so you can get a feel for how he likes to keep things. The entire house would be this bad if not for me and my brother. I also have to admit that I don't cut him any slack because I don't have any respect for someone who can't do the absolute minimum -- which is having a job, staying out of trouble and taking care of yourself, especially if you're 24 and your mom and dad have to pay for lawyers and living expenses while sleeping all day, spilling coffee and playing XBOX. (exiting soap box) "Ah... so you're a stupid ass... I see..." Drop dead, Crazy Dude.

Mike wearing his favorite outfit
You can't break me, Mike! You hear me, you cowardly, mentally deficient piece of crap?!!!

Today, I came home and needed to use the phone. It was on the floor of the living room on the cradle, recharging. As I put the receiver to my face, I noticed the distinct odor of coffee. I further noticed that the entire phone was sticky and I looked down at the charger to see a small pool of coffee in the curved inside part. Someone had poured coffee on the phone, enough to cover it and enough to have it pool underneath.
Two possibilities: (1) Mike accidentally spilled coffee on the phone. This is unlikely due to the fact that he would have had to bend down to get coffee precisely on the phone and not on the answering machine next to it, and (2) Mike purposefully poured coffee on my phone. My brother and I have both been away from the house, he for days and myself since yesterday. The coffee had not yet completely dried so it had to have been done today.
If number one is correct, that makes Mike a prick. Anytime you have an accident like that, you clean it up. That's what adults do. If number two is true, that makes Mike a passive-aggressive little bitch. He didn't show up all night so I have to assume that he did something obnoxious like this and then stayed away so as not to face me. Fine, stay away from the house. Your f'ing days are numbered, anyway. Twelve days! Not soon enough!!!!
My first instinct was to go into his room with a pot of coffee and pour it on his bed. I called my brother and he told me to keep calm... just to count the days. He also said I could take solace in the fact that he won't last long in the outside world and that the odds are good that he will get hit by the stupid bus. I contend that the stupid bus ran his retarded ass over and backed up to see what it hit.

My brother came back from traveling to notice a buzz coming from one of his speakers. As if someone was playing them loudly and they they blew. Hmmm... wonder who would go into his room and play Xbox with the sound blasting? Any guesses? Anyone?! I'll give you a hint... I've been staying at my girlfriend's apartment and have my own Xbox and have no reason to be in his room. Hmm.... wait a second... my roommate Mike has this kind of M.O.! He once borrowed one of my DVD's without asking. Took it to his room (which I noticed but didn't say anything). I then found it on the living room table (and not on the shelf where it was) and the cover was sticking out of the case. Closer inspection revealed the paper cover was saturated with coffee, ruining it.
When I confronted him, he said groggily "Well, it could have been me. I drink coffee and I borrowed the DVD." He never apologized or admitted any wrongdoing. So I said, "There is coffee all over the DVD and someone needs to clean it." So he stood in the kitchen wiping down my DVD (although the case was ruined). All I wanted was a friggin' apology. And he should have wiped the damn thing down when he spilled coffee on it in the first place! It's like living with a child!

In response to the retarded, stammering message he left on my voicemail, I decided to confuse him with a letter that addressed all of his rambling issues. It was six pages, double spaced. I talked about how he never ever cleans. It's insane. Apparently, the only response he could come up with was a mark on the cover page in red pen giving me an "A+" but saying that I should use spell check. That's actually pretty clever coming from a college dropout with attention deficit disorder. Ha ha ha.
Seriously, thought, he had no retort. I've cleaned up after him so many times I should call myself "Mini Maid". The front porch is a beer and cigarette wasteland because he's a smoker with no job and spends countless hours sitting there, contemplating his self-created situation. What can he possibly be thinking about? It's not about getting a job because he just started looking!? And he's been unemployed for months!
Anyway, after about a year and a half of watching the porch turn into a big outdoor ashtray/garbage dump and after he and I had a conversation about how it's a bad idea to make a place that's easily accessable to the landlord look like crap. He seemed to understand. And then he continued to put his cigarettes out on the floor.
After leaving a garbage can out there, I finally got fed up and cleaned up out there. Swept, picked up the beer bottles and cans and wiped down the chairs which were covered in ash. I thought that he would take the hint and keep up with it, which is much easier than what I did. He subsequently lost his job and got a DUI, which apparently means creating a mess of everything else around you, including the porch. It's now worse than what it was before. And this is one of the many reasons why he makes me sick.

Mike and I had "words" yesterday. I came home early from work and found an empty house and a thermostat set at 76 degrees. It's wonderful to pay for other people's stupidity. I called his answering machine and left a stern but polite message asking him to PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE adjust the thermostat if he's planning on leaving the house and to make sure to let his girlfriend know to do that as well because I had told mine to do the same. His response was to leave a rambling, confused messages on my cell phone. First he said that he didn't do it and the next sentence was that he "might" have left the AC on. And then he started bringing up the fact that my girlfriend does laundry at the house. Sorry, dumbass, she's doing my laundry. (Buzzer sound!) Next topic: he complained that I don't clean the dishes and I leave them there. (Buzzer sound!) Sorry, wrong again. F*ck head hasn't cleaned any part of the kitchen in the two years he's been there. Never mopped, never swept, never cleaned the countertops. Every day, I find myself cleaning up coffee stains and grounds off the counter. And trash. And the fact that he has no job and is constantly at the house... well, I'd have to say that he's probably using quite a bit more electricity than I am since I'm rarely ever home. What a f*ckin' piece of crap! Loser loser loser!!! At least I can take solace in the fact that he's GONE July 1st. No f'ing way he was going to be on the lease again. I made sure of that! There's more to the story but I'm too tired to write. More later... including other misadventures of the dumbshit.

My roommate just unloaded some samples of Vioxx on me. Why, I have no idea. He apparently got a whole bunch of it for his surgery as samples and doesn't need them all. I think he's trying to get on my good side in some odd way. Doesn't he realize that all he has to do is CLEAN UP AFTER HIMSELF?!!!

Mike took it apon himself to go into the fridge and drink an entire 12 pack of beer that belonged to my brother. Well, he and his friends did. Perhaps he was celebrating the return of his license, which incidentally is to be used only to get to work and back. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! (UPDATE: The license was reinstated with no restrictions. Well, he's on probation or whatever they call it. The justice system has failed!) I imagine he's probably going to be WAY hungover for his court-mandated alcohol abuse counseling. By the way, he didn't ask if he could drink the beer and he didn't mention anything after it happened. He's a punk ass! Oh, he's also having some type of jaw surgery, which means that he's probably mixing alcohol with steroids and antidepressants. Can you say "liver failure"? I wonder how his folks feel about footing the bill for this type of foolishness? Are they oblivious?

Mike is one of those roommates who is so self centered that I don't believe he even realizes or appreciates that his actions affect other people. Living in a house with someone like that is completely nerve racking. My brother is in a band and sometimes he gets in late from gigs. One morning, he climbed into bed around 4am. He was awoken a little over two hours later by the cacophonic sounds of Pantera, playing in Mike's room as if the stereo's volume was stuck on 11. My brother was too tired to even get up. The next day when confronted, Mike dismissed him by saying that he "had" to play his music that loud because he had to get up and he was on medication that prevented him from getting up without having metal music blaring. No "I'm sorry" or "I'll work on it" or anything like that. He HAD to do it. So to hell with everyone else. This is why he pisses me off. He has no social skills.

Mike has had his license returned. I believe it's one of those "work, school and home" licenses that only allow limited hours for him to drive. He told my brother that he plans on staying in a friends apartment for a little bit after the lease is up and then moving to New York. If you can make it there... etc, etc...

I had to leave a note on the fridge today because Mike has decided that it's important to keep the AC running regardless of whether people are in the house or not. And since he has all this disposable income, why not spend it on unnecessarily pricey power bills and alcohol, says he! He has a joint account with his mom, so I'm pretty sure that she's covering his bills anyway, which is confusing since he's always late paying me for the power bill. Dumbass!!!

Mike was bragging to Chris and extolling the virtues of collecting unemployment. Hey kids! Can you spell "BUM"? I knew that you could! A few weeks later, I found a crumpled note in the kitchen ( a few feet from the garbage can) from the unemployment office saying that his benefits had been denied. HA HA HA HA!! Now he has to pay back the money!!! HA HA HA HA HA!!! F*cking bum!!!! (Insert evil laughter here)