Friday, August 30, 2002
A Monkey Doing Kung Fu
What? You need a set up for this? It's a link to a video that shows a monkey doing Kung Fu, for crying out loud!!
Kirk Lives!! Sort of...
Coolest guy on the planet William Shatner is reprising his role as James T. Kirk, with a twist. This time, it's on the paintball battlefield. Sponsored by SPPLAT, he is leading what is hailed as the world's largest paintball game. Man, I wish I could go...UF/Miami Tickets Are Very Important
I can't let this day go on without mentioning the incredible scene I just witnessed. A few people in my office gathered into someone's cubicle to witness a guy devour a metal container full of ice cream and cake in 60 seconds for Miami tickets. He didn't make it, but he was valiant in the attempt. I guess.
Major League Baseball Averts Strike -- Professional Soccer Mourns
MLB owners and players reps have agreed to a compromise, thus ending this sordid tale of greed, treachery and greed.
Call Me Crazy, But I'd Sign Up For This!
In Freemont CA, the jail is having an open house and offering people the opportunity to stay the night in prison. Officials say it's to work out the bugs before the inmates arrive in December. Imagine! You get your own bunk! You get to use the stainless steel toilet! You can spend the day bouncing a baseball off the wall! Later, you can go to the "yard", play some street ball and then put a shiv into someone's back! Oh, fun!
It's Official! People Are Getting Dumber!
A poll commissioned by the First Amendment Center, based in Arlington, Va. has determined that 49 percent of Americans believe that the First Amendment goes too far in protecting freedom of speech. The article is here. Read quickly before reports like this are banned because of dumbsh*ts like the 49 percenters!
Thursday, August 29, 2002
13 Year Old Unable to Play Football -- Head Too Enormous for Helmet
I once had a girlfriend that had a huge head like this kid. It was like a friggin' pumpkin, her head was. I don't think she ever tried on a helmet but I'm pretty sure she'd have the same problems as this kid had.
Dumbest Guy on the Planet Contest -- A Finalist
What's the best way to check if your car's gas tank is empty? This unnamed Slovakian motorist thinks he'll used a lighter! The ensuing explosion was proof that there was at least SOME fuel left...
Political Correctness Gone Awry!
A British man was awarded the equivalent of $30,868.86 because a female coworker at a training session made the remark "“I bet you’ve got a big willy.” I wonder if she was willing to be $30.868.86? Anyway, it was considered sexual harassment and was considered a portion of ongoing racial and sexual harassment during a three month training course. Well, on one hand, it's good to see that women can be held responsible for this type of behavior but I seriously doubt he was damaged by an accusation like this. As far as rumors go, that one ain't bad!
Wednesday, August 28, 2002
Daryl Jones for Governor? Why not!
So, I was watching the Florida Democratic Governor's Debate on tv last night... mostly because I'm a friggin' nerd... and was disappointed by Reno (surprise!) and the bloated white guy in the middle. Daryl Jones, however, did impress me a bit. Instead of rhetoric and double talk, he actually proposed ideas when asked questions. It's just too bad his campaign is poorly run/financed. Here's his web site for information on this guy: http://www.senatorjonesforgovernor.com/. He believes, as I do, that state employees are grossly underpaid, especially those in the child welfare arena. Amen to that! The down side is that he was a sponsor of a pilot program in Broward, Leon, Palm Beach, and Pinellas Counties that instituted the "red light cameras" which are the same cameras have been abused by other states as a means of generating revenue and not actually preventing accidents.
Darwinian Words to Live By!
This was handed to me by coworker Dave after seeing my skydiving pictures...
Breaking News!!!
Props to SomethingAwful.com! Click on the sh*tty baby to see more!
Off-Color Joke #3872 -- Collect Them All!
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent which is being renovated, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and decide that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room. They open the door, and he enters. "Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want these blinds?"
Is This A Trend? Man Caught Humping Frozen Chicken
Ian Curtis, Glasgow resident, was caught by his wife with a frozen chicken in his lap, all the while wearing a woman's blouse and a smile. To the surprise of no one, she's filing for divorce.
Tennessee Fans Upset Over Fantastic, Hilarious ESPN Commercial
Tennessee fans are in an uproar over an ESPN spot depicting them as... well... Tennessee fans. Cry me a river, y'all.
UPDATE: ESPN chickens out and pulls Tennessee ad.
UPDATE: ESPN chickens out and pulls Tennessee ad.
Man Filmed Having Sex with Herd of Cows -- Really.
In jolly England, an 80 year old man was tried and convicted of hittin' da skins with some really sexy bovines. Owner of the cows says that he didn't give the old man permission to do so. Moooooooo!!! And NO! The video is not online so quit asking!!
Tuesday, August 27, 2002
Video Game Fan Attempts World Record
UK resident Jason Reed is attempting to break the world record for time spent waiting in line for a release of a video game. Turok:Evolution, the fourth in the Turok series, is slated for release on September 1st.
When asked about his world record attempt, 25 year old Reed said, "I'm a big f'ing nerd! Please come down here and kick my pasty ass! It's not like I'm going anywhere!"
When asked about his world record attempt, 25 year old Reed said, "I'm a big f'ing nerd! Please come down here and kick my pasty ass! It's not like I'm going anywhere!"
Found! A Survivor of September 11th!
A man listed as missing after the September 11th attacks was located at a New York hospital with amnesia! Check it out!
Air Guitar - The New Art Form?
Jack Malvern, a writer for the Time-Union in London, writes about the Air Guitar World Championships and its growing interest. This is no joke! It's huge in Finland! Really! And they take it deadly serious over there.
Note: In jolly England, a "fag" is another name for a cigarette. So don't be alarmed when you read the article.
Note: In jolly England, a "fag" is another name for a cigarette. So don't be alarmed when you read the article.
Topless Picnic, or "Hey! Get Your *&$% Out of My Potato Salad"
In New York, it's legal for women to be topless. Check out the picnic they are planning over there!
Monday, August 26, 2002
Unbreakable Sequel!
M. Night Shyamalan, director of Signs and The Sixth Sense as well as my personal favorite, Unbreakable, is deliberating over whether or not he should make a sequel. It's a great flick and if you haven't seen it, let me know and I'll loan you my copy (if I actually know you). It's great!
French Invade U.S. -- Tries To Buy Hershey
French power company Nestlé has offered to buy American chocolatier Hershey. Help!
Friday, August 23, 2002
The Morning After the Morning After
I'm back. I spent my birthday in Jacksonville Beach. My fave band, Jump, Little Children was playing at a small, sweaty club in town so I rang in my 30th birthday with the band wishing me a happy thirtieth. I have pictures that show me with the band and my friends. It was a great time. Click here or on the picture to see the slideshow featuring my beautiful girlfriend and my huge, red-eyed turnip-shaped head.
Thursday, August 22, 2002
Happy Birthday to ME!!!
It's my birthday!!! I'm 30! Send me a greeting!
Wednesday, August 21, 2002
Scientists Prove Drinking Make People More Attractive, Throw Beer Party
I mean, DUH! Who paid for this study?! Good thing it was done in England!
Clean Your Room, Wash Behind Your Ears, Buy Some Crack
Take a good look at this woman. She looks sad, doesn't she? Well, she should. She was arrested for sending her 10 year old son out with an envelope full of money to go buy her some crack cocaine. The kid reported to police that if he didn't come back with crack she would beat him. For more disgusting information, click here.Vote U.F. for Party School Champion!
At PartySchool.com, web surfers are asked to vote for their favorite party college. It's time to represent, y'all!
McKinney Defeated! Frog Brother Rejoices!
Cynthia McKinney, nutjob rep. from the 4th District of Georgia, was soundly defeated by Denise Majette in a primary election completed August 20th. This is a solid victory for freedom loving Americans everywhere!
Here's a report regarding her desparate attempt to intimidate voters in her district from voting in an open election. I'm sure she was one of the people complaining about the Florida elections being full of confusion and intimidation...
And here's an article that details the defeat as well as stating the factors that ultimately killed her, including some baseless accusations that Bush knew that 9/11 was going to happen and did nothing because he wanted his friends to benefit financially. Yes, she's a f*ckin' idiot.
And here is a web site that I just found out about... it documents all the different obnoxious things ex-Rep. McKinney involved herself in. Taste, chew and enjoy.
Here's a report regarding her desparate attempt to intimidate voters in her district from voting in an open election. I'm sure she was one of the people complaining about the Florida elections being full of confusion and intimidation...
And here's an article that details the defeat as well as stating the factors that ultimately killed her, including some baseless accusations that Bush knew that 9/11 was going to happen and did nothing because he wanted his friends to benefit financially. Yes, she's a f*ckin' idiot.
And here is a web site that I just found out about... it documents all the different obnoxious things ex-Rep. McKinney involved herself in. Taste, chew and enjoy.
Tuesday, August 20, 2002
Pharmacist's Instructions Too Literal For Customer
In jolly England, Rachael Steel found that her friendly neighborhood pharmacist was a bit too friendly. Of course, Ms. Steel smells a lawsuit. C'mon, lady. It's not that damaging, you prude!
Pimp Hats -- So Yo Ladies Know Dat You Coming!
This wonderful web site can fill all your pimp hat needs! I'm ordering the purple fur hat with the big ass feather, ya dig?Monday, August 19, 2002
In Las Vegas, There Really ARE One-Armed Bandits!
While defending his home and daughter, a Las Vegas man forcefully removed a prowlers hand with a machete late Sunday night. The intruder had no comment. Neither did the hand.
The Future Is Now! Force Fields Are A Reality!
This is the coolest thing I've read in a while. The Brits have created an electric force field that, when used on a tank, can vaporize copper shells that are used against them, thereby greatly reducing the shell's effect.
Judo Class - 1, Carjacker - 0
In Los Angeles, a car jacker attempted to take a minivan from a gas station. Unfortunately, that van belonged to a Judo Club from Florida and they had other plans, which mainly involved punching and kicking him.
It's Raining Frogs!
I managed to recover from my sinus pain by late Friday (as I was sick on Thursday and Friday). My girlfriend was nursing me back to health and then surprised me with a present for my birthday. Skydiving! So late Saturday, she and I went to Williston and jumped out of a plane at an altitude of 11,000 feet. I will have video shortly but for the time being, check out this link for pictures of me screaming and freaking out.Thursday, August 15, 2002
Field Trip Witnesses Topless Photo Shoot
I remember going to the planetarium when I was in school. This is MUCH better than that.
Man Sentenced To 18 Months For $%#@ing a Horse
Um, yeah. A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can have sex with a horse, of course, unless, of course, the neighbor says he's HIGH ON ECSTACY!!! (sung to Mr. Ed theme)
UPDATE! Here's a picture of the horse f*cker, courtesy of The Smoking Gun website.
UPDATE! Here's a picture of the horse f*cker, courtesy of The Smoking Gun website.
Wednesday, August 14, 2002
Britney Changing Her Bikini Top -- Stop The Presses!
Here is a link to Britney's newest talent -- magic!
Scientists Claim Proof of God's Existence, Pass Bong
A scientific team from Stanford have claimed that the perfection of the universe must have had outside intervention from a higher power. They then drove to Taco Bell and scarfed down some gorditas.
Tuesday, August 13, 2002
Jill Arrington -- Sports Reporter and Pin-Up Girl
Jill Arrington, CBS sports reporter, has thrown caution to the wind and posed for FMH magazine. Enjoy these tasteful cheesecake pictures. Man, what's next? Lee Corso pictures?
Afraid Of Snakes? What About Flying Snakes?
Yes. It's not enough that they can sneak through the grass. Now they can delightfully drift from the treetops, gently land on your shoulder and bite you on the eyelid. Pleasant dreams.
Monday, August 12, 2002
Redskins Rookie Patrick Tied to Goalpost -- Welcome to the NFL!
Coach Steve Spurrier came to the rescue of his newest quarterback when he discovered that he had been tied to a goalpost at Dickinson College as a hazing prank. Nice.
Busy as Hell Today
I don't have a free second to type except to say that I don't have a free second to type. Here's a picture of Ernest Borgnine to make up for it.Friday, August 09, 2002
Brendan Fraser to Star in Another Sh*tty Movie
Brendan Fraser, red hot star of Monkeybone and George of the Jungle (and Encino Man and Blast From The Past) is set to star in the next Looney Tunes picture. Co-starring in this monstrosity is Jenna Elfman. You know... Dharma. Dharma and Greg. Yes, the TV show. No, I'm not sure if it's still on.
Charlton Heston Admits To Alzheimers Symptoms
News Flash! Charleton Heston is going public with information that he could have Alzheimers. His reasons for disclosing is because he fears that he might not be able to reveal to the public later as symptoms progress. More information and an official statement is posted here.
Surgery in Tijuana -- Big Ass Mistake
Doctor accidentally cuts off man's penis. Half of humanity recoils in horror.
Thursday, August 08, 2002
R. Kelly Serenaded By Kids, Gets Woody
R. Kelly, cheesy R&B singer and alleged child pornographer was serenaded by a busload of school-aged kids wearing pro-Kelly t-shirts. The group was organized by Janet Edmond, who said of her stupid idea of bring children to court, "Kids need something to reach for--they have no role models." The group sang R. Kelly anthems "I Believe I Can Fly", "Heaven, I Need a Hug", and "Young Girl, Take Off Your Underroos".
American Flag At University of Florida a No Go!
The U.F. Student Government has killed a bill that proposed placing small American flags in each of our classrooms. Opponents of the bill claim the flags would offend foreign students. My response? Screw 'em! Those who come to our country because their national schools suck and get educated in the US and then complain about our flag can kiss my lily-white ass! Eyewitness reports say that Matt Bonner, a UF basketball starter and senate rep verbally accosted the opponents of the bill. Bravo, Matt! You da man!
Wednesday, August 07, 2002
Air Guitarist In Competiton for Real Guitar -- Won't Know What to Do With It
Man, this is just dumb. An air guitar competition. And the winner gets a real guitar. And people are stupid.
Greatest Credit Card Theft Ever!
A lady in England whose credit card was stolen was surprised to find that her account had increased by $446! The thief was given 12 months probation and the woman was allowed to keep the proceeds. Sweet!
Tuesday, August 06, 2002
Stop The Presses! Rick Flair for Governor!
Rick Flair, bad ass wrestler of the WCW and WWE is considering a bid for the South Carolina governor's race! Flair said he has been up to talk to Minnesota Gov. Jesse Ventura, a former wrestler, about running a state. "You are always working on the affairs of state," he said. "It's a 10-hour-a-day job." To which, I say "Wooooooo!" John Rocker -- Charming As Hell
John Rocker is at it again, this time making anti-gay comments at a bar. For shame!
Monday, August 05, 2002
Kimono Dogs
Ladies and gentlemen, introducing "ugly-ass, aggressive little dogs wearing Kimonos."
Do I Look Like I Have "Stupid" Tattooed On My Forehead?
EBay is great for finding those odds and ends that are sold by others. This particular auction is the oddest of all. The seller, venusfaire, has decided to allow people or companies to bid for the opportunity to put a tattoo on his forehead, making him a human billboard. He claims he's doing in to take care of his family especially since he has another child on the way. Wow. Doesn't anybody PLAN for a family anymore?
Friday, August 02, 2002
Get in the Slow Lane, Asshat!
This op/ed is exactly what I've been saying for some time... that slow traffic should move the hell over to the right lane!!! Amen, brotha!
Create-A-Fart
Yes. Check out this link and you, too, can create amazing artificial farts using your browser! Ah... the power of the internet!
Not So Fast, SEC!
Lee Corso, charming football analyst, is on the record as saying SEC football is full of "bunch of cheaters, a bunch of crooks." And naturally, it pissed me off! But then I read it and it looks pretty bad for the schools in the SEC. Spurrier used to bitch about the same thing! And in his parting shot, Steve made particular note of the fact that his program never had any hint of a problem with rule breaking during his tenure. I hope that Corso is aware of that.
Less than 20 Days Until I'm 30!
The month countdown begins... I'll be 30 on August 22nd. I would like to have a party of some sort, I think. What should I try and plan for my thirtieth big year? Send suggestions to me! Or post em if you're part of the list. Or email me if you'd like to be added to the writing group for this site!!
Thursday, August 01, 2002
Battering Babysitter Gets Flying Scissor Kick
In Brazil, parents of two young children give a video tape to the local news program featuring their babysitter smacking their kids around. It would seem the viewing public did not appreciate her antics, as this video clearly shows. Take special note of the guy with the kung fu skills.
More like Too Bad to be False!
The IRS and the FBI are to blame for his hairdo I guess.
Ed. Note-He should have blamed the crimes on his hair.
Ed. Note-He should have blamed the crimes on his hair.
Congressional Oversite on Congressional Oversite!
Our representatives prove time and time again that they are as bad, if not worse, than any of these corporate CEO's. And they are in charge of corporate reform! It's a big old steaming pile of bullsh*t!! Read this article!
Where's My Other Writers?
Hey?! I've given access to several people so they can contribute to this site! What gives? Jim, where's the NASCAR tirades? Bring it, punk!
Automobile's "Check Engine" Light Gets Attention from Congress
You've seen it. It's bothersome. And only the dealer can turn it off, costing extra money and aggrevation. Well, congress is coming to the rescue.
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