Thursday, October 31, 2002
...Then I Must Have A Ph.D...
Click here.
A Halloween Thought
I just realized that Halloween is the only day of the year where you can walk up to someone and say "What are you supposed to be?" without getting punched in the face.
SNL Script Transcripts
Click here for SNL scripts. Lots of 'em.
The "More Cowbell" Project
If life ever gets you down... if you need something to bring you back from the brink, just remember to add more cowbell.
Jam Master Jay, Dead at 37.
This is a dark day. Jam Master Jay, the turntable deity from the ground Run DMC was shot dead in a Queens recording studio late Wednesday night. These guys were so set apart from the whole violent world of rap and stayed pretty true to their old school roots, which makes this even more senseless. Rest in peace, brotha man!Wednesday, October 30, 2002
Sleepyheads Beware! This Alarm Will Kick Your You-Know-What!
A German schoolgirl has created a device that rolls you out of bed if you don't wake up when it goes off. Sounds delightful....
Tuesday, October 29, 2002
Rix Out, McPherson In!
Cocky Florida State QB Chris Rix has been benched in favor of backup Adrian McPherson. When asked for a comment, Frogbrother was quoted as saying "AH HA HA HA HA HA!!!!"
Dancing Ronald - For No Particular Reason
Florida Elections - A Metric Ton of Amendments
If you plan on voting, you should read this article in the Gainesville Sun. Or at LEAST check out your sample ballot. There are a bunch of amendments on the table than should get your undivided attention.
Here is how I think you should vote, so listen up:
Don't take my word for it. Read the amendments carefully. And think about what they mean... beyond the surface. Do I want smaller class sizes? Pre-K? No smoking? Of course! But you just don't vote for something and it magically happens... it has to be implemented and that can be painful! We are in an economic slowdown and cannot afford to implement amendments which on the surface seem like a good idea. Read and study the issues BEFORE you enter the ballot booth!
Here is how I think you should vote, so listen up:
- Amendment 8 requires the state to offer pre-kindergarten programs to every 4 year old in Florida. I tend to want to vote "NO" on this one, mostly because we can hardly handle paying for and organizing the education that is currently offered.
- Amendment 9 requires Florida to limit class sizes in schools. Same deal. No means to pay for it. Just forces the school boards to do it. What does this mean? Higher property taxes, which affects people that own property, which is passed on to those of us who rent property. Assuming that is how they will pay for these requirements. I'm trying to find a sample ballot online because I think it says something about the state offering funding to support the class size amendment... I wonder where they'll get the money?
- Amendment 1 deals with the death penalty. Changes the language from "cruel or unusual" to "cruel and unusual". Proponents say that the change in wording would reduce the number of appeals allowed for death row inmates. These are appeals that say "it doesn't matter if my client is guilty... we don't like that he's getting the chair for what he did". Sounds good to me! Yes!
- Amendment 2 is for those people that blindly voted for the High Speed Railway without doing any research. See, the voters decided it would be a great idea to have fast trains in Florida and probably saw the notion for the first time when they voted. Little did they realize that it would cost the state approximately $22 billion. Your wallet is probably throbbing from that one! This amendment requires that any future amendments would require a price tag -- so we know how much it will cost us to fund the amendment we're voting for. (Like class size and pre-K!) Vote YES!
- Amendment 6 regards smoking in workspaces. Let me preface this by saying that I abhor smoking. I loathe it. I think it's horrible and nasty. It's dangerous. Most smokers are rude. If you've read my "Roommate Chronicles", then you know what kind of mess that my ex-roommate left with his cigarettes in our house. And they're expensive! Three dollars a pack!?! Anyway, after having said all that, I admit that I think that people should have the right to smoke. And I also think that businesses should have the right to decide whether their restaurant (which will be affected by this amendment) would allow smoking. If I don't want to go where there is smoking, I won't go. I'll "vote with my feet". And if a restaurant's numbers are down, they can change their mind and ban smoking IF THEY CHOOSE TO! There are current clean air laws already in place and we don't need to further regulate and legislate this issue. Vote NO!
- Amendment 10 is the pig crate amendment. Why is this even an amendment? It doesn't need to be. Adding things like this to a ballot only adds more confusion and wordage to an already bloated and confusing ballot. And considering how stupid Florida voters are perceived to be by the nation, we should keep things as simple as possible. I'm voting "no"... but for no other reason than to go against the special interests that added an amendment to our ballot that has no real impact in the state. This problem can and should be addressed without an amendment.
- Amendment 3, although it only applies to the Miami-Dade area, is an attempt by the legislature to take powers away from local government. Unacceptable! Vote NO!
- Amendment 7 is the "granny flats" amendment and it gives tax breaks to people who add to their home for the purpose of creating living quarters so that they can house elderly relatives. How do I feel about this? Hmmm... not sure. I do like a tax break, that's for certain. I guess I'll vote "yes" on this... mainly because it allows the counties the option to adopt the resolution.
- A charter amendment allows Alachua County to set stricter campaign finance guidelines than the state imposes. I'm against most of the campaign finance measures because it ultimately limits free speech and gives too much power to the television stations and the incumbents. I think the state restrictions are enough... and this charter amendment doesn't hint as to what the new restrictions would be anyway!
- Another amendment deals with the creation of a Children's Services Council which would levy new taxes by increasing property tax rates that would ultimately be used for "afterschool programs, recruiting of foster parents, programs to lower the dropout rate and pre-kindergarten education for children in low-income families."
- City Amendment 1 asks to add a new equal opportunity director position to the tune of $131,000 a year. Ouch!
- Amendment 2 talks about keeping the current number of city commissioners at five versus adding two more. Vote YES... we don't need more commissioners that can vote for pay increases like they did a couple of years ago.
Don't take my word for it. Read the amendments carefully. And think about what they mean... beyond the surface. Do I want smaller class sizes? Pre-K? No smoking? Of course! But you just don't vote for something and it magically happens... it has to be implemented and that can be painful! We are in an economic slowdown and cannot afford to implement amendments which on the surface seem like a good idea. Read and study the issues BEFORE you enter the ballot booth!
Monday, October 28, 2002
Ben Folds -- Great Music, Great Magic!
Ben Folds, musician extraordinaire, played in Gainesville on Friday and managed to do an illusion during the show! He levitated about a foot and a half above the stage! Unbelievable!
Friday, October 25, 2002
Sniper Tipster Insists Reward Given to Victims, Gets Express Pass To Heaven
This guy is the one that tipped police to the sniper's car at a rest stop. He insists he's no hero and that the reward money be given to the victims. Or "at least half of it". Cool dude.
No New Panties for Tom Jones
Huh? He's mad? Wha?
Thursday, October 24, 2002
Tampa Bay Lineback Charged With Domestic Assault
Take a good look at this jackass. He decided that it would be a good idea to assault his girlfriend and the mother of his eight month old child in front of a day care center. He's 6'4" and well over 300 pounds. He assaulted her as he held the baby in his arms. The story is here.Wednesday, October 23, 2002
Baseball Sucks -- Need I Say More?
Pro Baseball has as much appeal as watching amateur shuffleboard to me. Can you imagine getting paid for having a 20 or 25 percent success rate? These guys do when you look at many of their batting averages or on base percentages... There are few real athletes in baseball as far as I'm concerned. I lived with a couple of college baseball players and remember one time when I had to go to sleep early for a track meet the next day. The baseball guys had most of the team in our living room watching porn all night (which is SOOO gay! Why would guys sit around watching porn with each other?!!!) when they had a double or triple header the next day. Hmmm...
Anyway, click here to see which X-Games Downhill Ski Champion said this about pro baseball players: "Sometimes I see these baseball players making millions of dollars and they’re, like, ‘Oh, my God, I sprained a pinkie.’ Are you kidding me? I’ve broken my left collarbone twice, I cracked my tailbone, and I’ll slam into a 40-foot tree, knock myself unconscious, and still get up and finish the race. Those baseball guys are such f**king crybabies."
Anyway, click here to see which X-Games Downhill Ski Champion said this about pro baseball players: "Sometimes I see these baseball players making millions of dollars and they’re, like, ‘Oh, my God, I sprained a pinkie.’ Are you kidding me? I’ve broken my left collarbone twice, I cracked my tailbone, and I’ll slam into a 40-foot tree, knock myself unconscious, and still get up and finish the race. Those baseball guys are such f**king crybabies."
A "Correction"
Cliff, one of my coworkers, has made a clarification to my story about the kid that was "bitten by ants". He made mention that ants do not "bite", they sting. Hmm... feels the same to me!
Reponse To A Reader
One of my loyal readers sent me an email. A triple threat regarding Harry Bellafonte, the Hedy Lamarr article, and the dispatcher that allegedly "dissed" the sniper. Here's my response:
Well, for one: When I read the entire Hedy Lamarr story, I was SHOCKED that she never received any recognition or award for her work to combat the Nazis. What the hell!?!!! Her patent is still being utilized as the basis of the latest in cellular technology! How revolutionary! The fact that she died in Altamonte Springs living off of Social Security and her Screen Actors Guild pension... well, that chaps my hide. It's like when you hear those stories of formal Medal of Honor winners who bottom out. Just depressing! There should be an inventors medal named after her or something! We should start a letter writing campaign about this!
Two: I can imagine that the law enforcement people down there are pretty stressed anyway. But we need to take into consideration that these dispatchers probably deal with hundreds of calls from the so-called sniper. The good news is that they have this guy on tape now, I would assume. Let's not automatically take the word of some piece of crap over a dispatcher... she or he might have not done anything wrong but now the sniper has terrorized one more person who might now have to live with the pressure of thinking that he/she is responsible for the murders.
Three: What Harry Bellafonte said about Colin Powell is so wrong, it gives me the shakes. The point of an administration is to come in with differing viewpoints and then when an official statement or opinion comes out, they must all unite with the same consensus. Otherwise, they seem disorganized and divided. They are a team. And Colin Powell is one of our nations greatest Americans. And Harry Bellafonte sings stupid novelty songs. Talk about working for the plantation! He works for the music industry! Now THAT'S servitude!
Well, for one: When I read the entire Hedy Lamarr story, I was SHOCKED that she never received any recognition or award for her work to combat the Nazis. What the hell!?!!! Her patent is still being utilized as the basis of the latest in cellular technology! How revolutionary! The fact that she died in Altamonte Springs living off of Social Security and her Screen Actors Guild pension... well, that chaps my hide. It's like when you hear those stories of formal Medal of Honor winners who bottom out. Just depressing! There should be an inventors medal named after her or something! We should start a letter writing campaign about this!
Two: I can imagine that the law enforcement people down there are pretty stressed anyway. But we need to take into consideration that these dispatchers probably deal with hundreds of calls from the so-called sniper. The good news is that they have this guy on tape now, I would assume. Let's not automatically take the word of some piece of crap over a dispatcher... she or he might have not done anything wrong but now the sniper has terrorized one more person who might now have to live with the pressure of thinking that he/she is responsible for the murders.
Three: What Harry Bellafonte said about Colin Powell is so wrong, it gives me the shakes. The point of an administration is to come in with differing viewpoints and then when an official statement or opinion comes out, they must all unite with the same consensus. Otherwise, they seem disorganized and divided. They are a team. And Colin Powell is one of our nations greatest Americans. And Harry Bellafonte sings stupid novelty songs. Talk about working for the plantation! He works for the music industry! Now THAT'S servitude!
Tuesday, October 22, 2002
Hedy Lamarr -- Screen Siren and Intellectual Giant
I'm not easily impressed but this story is just so amazing. Hedy Lamarr, the 40's star of films such as Samson and Delilah created and patented part of the technology that works your cell phone! She along with composer George Antheil, devised a system that would allow for radio guided torpedos to be used against the Nazis in WWII. The technology was based on controlled frequency hopping which made the signals jam-proof. Do yourself a favor... read this story and then shake your fist in outrage when you find out that she died having never received a penny for her patent.
Monday, October 21, 2002
Beer Is Good Food
Scientists have concluded that a glass of beer a day is good for your bones!
Sunday, October 20, 2002
Random Gator Game Thoughts
- Alumni, you should be ASHAMED of yourselves. We were completely surrounded by Auburn fans. When you sell your tickets to the opposing team, you lessen the home field advantage. And you force those of us Gator fans who actually GO to the game to endure sitting with people who are out to make us feel horrible. Cut it out.
- If I want to complain about Zook, even if I go as far as calling for his firing, that is my right. I've been going to games since I was in diapers and have every right to want to continue the tradition of winning that Spurrier created. I can defend my criticism, too. But once you're at the game, you should cheer for the team because that's your job. My friend went to the game and some jackass Gator fan had a sign that said basically said that our team was a bunch of losers... just to get on ESPN. That's not cool and you should expect retaliation.
- If your team wins, that doesn't give you the right to abuse people rooting for the other team. A lot of them are upset enough and they are quite aware of the game's outcome. Don't be surprised if you get clocked for being a jerk... you deserve it. The only exception to this is if you've been a jackass during the game and your team loses. There's cheering and then there's being an ass. Don't be an ass.
Saturday, October 19, 2002
Here He Is... Public Enemy #2.
Ladies and gentlemen, here is Matthew Marshall Dowdy. Get to know him. He's the piece of human filth that filed the false eyewitness statement about the Beltway sniper. He has set the police department's investigation back by several days. He should be SHUNNED and ADMONISHED by his community. If the sniper strikes again, I hold him personally responsible because had the police not wasted their time with his information they might have spent the time on more important tasks, like the truth. Mr. Dowdy, you are a big turd.
Friday, October 18, 2002
Sean Penn Plays Politics
Sean Penn, the actor known for such rolls as Spiccoli in Fast Times at Ridgemont High and most recently as a mentally handicapped man in I Am Sam, has put the President to task on the War on Terrorism with a sizeable add in the Washington Post. Penn asks that the President stops a cycle where "bombing is answered by bombing, mutilation by mutilation, killing by killing."
I can't let this one go. Here's another list for you that explains why Penn is a jackass:
I could go on but I'm too tired.
I can't let this one go. Here's another list for you that explains why Penn is a jackass:
- Sean Penn is a celebrity. He doesn't live in the "real world".
- His occupation involves playing make believe.
- His solution for stoping a cycle of violence is not one that he himself uses. Didn't he attack a cameraman that was bothering him?
- His view of world politics is entirely too simplistic, even for him.
- Where was he during the "legacy of shame and horror" of the Clinton administration? Doesn't it count when he aims and deploys missles at other countries? Because he did, Mr. Sean "I'm a one sided jerk" Penn!
I could go on but I'm too tired.
Offended Yet?
This is the most crass, offensive thing I've seen on the web in at LEAST 20 minutes.
Attack of the Killer Ants!
A Ft. Myers area man confined to a hospital due to multiple strokes was attacked by ants. No one noticed because he is unable to speak. His wife noticed about 50 bites "all over the groin, some on his chest, on his back". Which reminds me of a story...
I used to run track for a division one university and one of the things we would do is host cross country meets for high school kids. My friend and I were checking out the runners on the course during a three mile race (from the luxury of a golf cart) and saw this kid start to stumble and finally collapse around mile two. Complete exhaustion. We pulled up to him and asked him if he could get up and he could barely respond, much less move. Suddenly, his eyes shot open and he screamed "ANTS!!" and started rolling around frantically. He had accidently fallen into an ant pile and he was covered in them. We helped the kid and wiped him down, trying desperately not to laugh.
I used to run track for a division one university and one of the things we would do is host cross country meets for high school kids. My friend and I were checking out the runners on the course during a three mile race (from the luxury of a golf cart) and saw this kid start to stumble and finally collapse around mile two. Complete exhaustion. We pulled up to him and asked him if he could get up and he could barely respond, much less move. Suddenly, his eyes shot open and he screamed "ANTS!!" and started rolling around frantically. He had accidently fallen into an ant pile and he was covered in them. We helped the kid and wiped him down, trying desperately not to laugh.
Cola Wars Resume? No, Just An Errant Grenade
A US soldier in Afghanistan, either because he's an idiot or because he's a die-in-the-wool Pepsi fan, launched a grenade assault on a shipping container full of Coca Cola. Dr. Pepper had no comment.
Clark Howard -- My Best Friend
Clark Howard is a cheap guy's best friend. He's a radio talk show host whose focus is on consumer protection and personal finance management. He's great. He always helps people figure out how to get their bills back on track and gives great advice. One thing he brought up today is a special portion of the Tax Relief Act of 2001 that allows for tax credit for lower income individuals and families that decide to invest... to the tune of 50% of the investment amount. So if I understand this correctly, if you invest money in a 401k or 403b you can received a tax benefit of up to half of the amount you put into that plan. That's amazing... and not a lot of people know about it. Click here to read about it!
To The Prick Who Lied To Police -- An Essay
Sir,
I wan't to personally credit you. Thanks to your stupidity, the police have lost two days worth of investigation because of your false report of the D.C. sniper. According to news reports, you may be charged with filing a false report. I personally think that would be too good for you, although I suspect that charging you would make your name public record. And then you will be known by your fellow beltway brethren.
My brother and I have come up with some suggestions of what should be done with you instead of sending you to jail.
F*** you,
Frog Brother
I wan't to personally credit you. Thanks to your stupidity, the police have lost two days worth of investigation because of your false report of the D.C. sniper. According to news reports, you may be charged with filing a false report. I personally think that would be too good for you, although I suspect that charging you would make your name public record. And then you will be known by your fellow beltway brethren.
My brother and I have come up with some suggestions of what should be done with you instead of sending you to jail.
- You should have to work at a full service gas station for two days. With a bullseye on your shirt and hat.
- Someone should pose as a doctor and tell YOU that you have six weeks to live. You obviously don't know fear. But you should.
- They should post YOUR picture on the news with a reward for your capture.
F*** you,
Frog Brother
Thursday, October 17, 2002
Meet the Cash Money Skillionaires
I happened apon these guys on the net. I love the totally thugged out purple afro pick. Nothin says "street" like a guy named Tyler.
Noelle Bush -- Pathologically Confused
I don't mean to make fun, but.... this lady always has this confused look on her face. So I made a cartoon for her...
BEEEP.... BEEEEEP..... THIS IS A TEST!!!
My girlfriend claims to not read my website. So this is a test. I will let you know if she actually does read my site after I catch hell for this link.
Woody Harrelson - Natural Born Dipsh*t
Woody Harrelson, the hemp-loving, tax abstaining jackass, has written an op-ed for the Guardian UK basically bashing the US. He's got a wonderful plan for us all. His arguments have more holes than an macrame blanket. I'm exhausted from reading this lunacy.
Lose Pounds and Inches!
Wednesday, October 16, 2002
FrogBrother Vs. Bob Rose
So, I'm into listening to talk radio and yesterday morning, I was listening to Bob Rose on Sky 97.3 He was basically saying that people that are calling for Zook's resignation should "give up their season passes and shut their pie hole". He also compared the situation with Zook to Bob Stoops when he came to Oklahoma. And it pissed me off. So I emailed him. To his credit, he wrote back, although I don't think he made any kind of argument. I report, you decide:
This is specifically for Bob Rose. The reason that the newspaper quotes
these small AM sports talk programs is because that is their area of
expertise. I wouldn't expect to hear their comments on the War on
Terror. I'm also not interested in your opinion on the current Florida
coaching controversy because it's apparently not your most knowledgeable
subject.
Gator fans that are "belly aching" have every right to do so as they
have certain expectations. It's called an expectation of winning.
Anything less is LOSING. And if the athletes aren't motivated to
compete, that is the fault of the coach just as much as it is the
athlete. A coach doesn't just draw plays, he (or she) motivates and
pushes his or her athletes to give the most of themselves. And these
aren't just any athletes; they are among the best in the nation.
People complained about Bob Stoops because they were afraid of the
future before the season started and he proved himself immediately.
Zook has not proven himself in the same way and doesn't deserve the same
comparison at all. Larry Coker also took over a program (Miami) and
made it a winner in one year. We don't necessarily have time to try out
a coach that could turn away top recruits because he can't teach a new
system to his players.
Quite frankly, I think you are just trying to be controversial. And
normally, your arguments have some merit but this one does not. Stick
to politics.
Frog Brother (I actually put my real name... I'm no chicken!)
(FrogBrother),
Thank you for the input. We disagree on this one. I did not speak out to be
controversial, it was out of passion and common sense. I want to cheer for
winners too, everyone does, but I still feel this is WAY to soon to call for the
coaches head. This is a negative about our society: I want it, I want it now,
I am impatient, I want it now......(if anyone is stirring controversy it is the sports
talk guys) which by the way, me mentioning them on my show is more promotion
than they'll receive in a year! except for the recent Sun article.
Thank you,
Bob Rose
Um, I don't mean to brag, but... Frog Brother 1, Bob Rose 0!!!!
This is specifically for Bob Rose. The reason that the newspaper quotes
these small AM sports talk programs is because that is their area of
expertise. I wouldn't expect to hear their comments on the War on
Terror. I'm also not interested in your opinion on the current Florida
coaching controversy because it's apparently not your most knowledgeable
subject.
Gator fans that are "belly aching" have every right to do so as they
have certain expectations. It's called an expectation of winning.
Anything less is LOSING. And if the athletes aren't motivated to
compete, that is the fault of the coach just as much as it is the
athlete. A coach doesn't just draw plays, he (or she) motivates and
pushes his or her athletes to give the most of themselves. And these
aren't just any athletes; they are among the best in the nation.
People complained about Bob Stoops because they were afraid of the
future before the season started and he proved himself immediately.
Zook has not proven himself in the same way and doesn't deserve the same
comparison at all. Larry Coker also took over a program (Miami) and
made it a winner in one year. We don't necessarily have time to try out
a coach that could turn away top recruits because he can't teach a new
system to his players.
Quite frankly, I think you are just trying to be controversial. And
normally, your arguments have some merit but this one does not. Stick
to politics.
Frog Brother (I actually put my real name... I'm no chicken!)
(FrogBrother),
Thank you for the input. We disagree on this one. I did not speak out to be
controversial, it was out of passion and common sense. I want to cheer for
winners too, everyone does, but I still feel this is WAY to soon to call for the
coaches head. This is a negative about our society: I want it, I want it now,
I am impatient, I want it now......(if anyone is stirring controversy it is the sports
talk guys) which by the way, me mentioning them on my show is more promotion
than they'll receive in a year! except for the recent Sun article.
Thank you,
Bob Rose
Um, I don't mean to brag, but... Frog Brother 1, Bob Rose 0!!!!
Tuesday, October 15, 2002
Posted As A Public Service
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Running Back Thomas Doubles As Good Samaritain
According to ESPN.com, Chicago Bears running back Anthony Thomas pulled a man from a car fire. As often as you hear bad news from professional athletes, this story should be shouted from the mountaintops!
Monday, October 14, 2002
Honorary Coach for Florida
How funny is it that the Gatorzone.com web site is offering a "Coach for a Game" promotion. Someone... anyone... PLEASE sign up and win! And then get out there and draw up some good 3rd down plays!!
A New Fan Site - FireRonZook.com
Try this site. And commiserate.
Sunday, October 13, 2002
The End of an Era
Well, the Florida/LSU game is over and I'm finally over my disgust. Ok, I'm not. But I have to get this off my chest. I'm pissed. But surprisingly, not at Coach Zook. I'm pissed at Jeremy Foley, the nutjob A.D. that managed to hire someone who can't seem to reap success out of a Heisman quarterback and who can't seem to convert NFL special teams experience into college special teams success. And Jeremy Foley is responsible for single handedly bringing a great program to its knees. Miami was able to come in with a first year coach and win. Why can't we? The answer is simple. Jeremy Foley went with someone he thought would have crowd appeal because he had former ties with the Gators. So what if he's never been a head coach. So what if Spurrier didn't have faith in him when he was here as an assistant coach!
Jeremy Foley should have made Gruden an offer that would have been too good to pass up. But he didn't. He saved money and went with an untested figurehead that has no offensive appreciation and an offensive coordinator that thinks a "trick play" is throwing deep on 3rd and inches. Ugh. We have a team full of talent that has no confidence and that responsibility lies with the coaching staff. Ugh. Double ugh. I'm gonna hit the showers.
Jeremy Foley should have made Gruden an offer that would have been too good to pass up. But he didn't. He saved money and went with an untested figurehead that has no offensive appreciation and an offensive coordinator that thinks a "trick play" is throwing deep on 3rd and inches. Ugh. We have a team full of talent that has no confidence and that responsibility lies with the coaching staff. Ugh. Double ugh. I'm gonna hit the showers.
Friday, October 11, 2002
Vote For Albert! Mascot of the Year!!
Click here, vote, and pass this link on! We have to win!!!
The King Of All Festivals -- The Turkey Testicle Festival!
In Byron, Illinois, people are completely stupid. My proof? They have put together a Turkey Testicle Festival. And it's in its 24th year. Which means they will be serving 360 pounds of poultry nuts. Oh! Before I forget! They have an official Turkey Testicle song! Wha-wha-what?!!!
Hey! That's No Call Girl! That's My Daughter!
An Israeli man, looking for some late-night action, requested a call girl for his room. Knock at the door. Man answers door. Call girl is his own daughter. While calculating the odds that he would call up his own daughter (whom he didn't know was hooking), he promptly had a heart attack. His second mistake was confessing to his wife what happened while he was in the hospital.
UPDATE: This has been debunked! Never happened! I'm an idiot. Click here.
UPDATE: This has been debunked! Never happened! I'm an idiot. Click here.
Candlelight Vigil -- The Other Story
My girlfriend attended this candlelight vigil and had a slightly different story to tell. It was held at the downtown plaza, a place known for its accumulation of drifters and homeless people. As Dr. Theresa Harrison began to speak about the perils of domestic violence, a disheaveled guy walked up to the crowd and shouted "What about the guys that are stabbed?" Later on, the same guy walked up to her and handed her his jacket, most likely one of his few worldly possessions, and offered it as a donation to the shelter. Odd, eh?
Thursday, October 10, 2002
Kitty Paradise
Enjoy this story that deals with people who live amongst dozens of cats and filth and what not. The only thing missing in the story are the piles of pizza boxes. It always seems like these tales end up with descriptions of Dominos Pizza boxes stacked in the corner or something. Damn... I though I was messy!
Suicide Bomber -- A Hero's Account
Here's a description of a suicide bomber attack, as told by a man who save many lives while holding down a bomber before he detonated. I can't imagine how anyone could blow themselves up. It's insane.
Geyser of Poo in Jolly England
The only thing worse about this story is imagining the crew that has to clean it up. I would quit my job...RIGHT...THEN!
I Feel Like Crap
Good morning. I haven't gotten any sleep and I look worse than I feel. I am so tired that I almost just fell asleep while writing this. Starbucks, help me....
Wednesday, October 09, 2002
Just In Case You Thought She Was Sane
Check out what Eileen Wuernos has to say before her execution. Thank goodness she's gone. Mothership and all.
Tuesday, October 08, 2002
Introducing... The World's Most Creative Halloween Costume... Ever.
One Chromosome Off
I happened apon this website today. It's a booking agency for celebrity doubles. I find it extremely entertaining to click on the links and see the people that look like the half brother of the stars they are depicting. Check it out, (I think the Florence Henderson look-alike is actually her.)
UPDATE: This guy has his Dale Earnhardt impression perfect... right down to the creases in his neck. SPOOKY!!! Number 3 lives!!!
UPDATE: This guy has his Dale Earnhardt impression perfect... right down to the creases in his neck. SPOOKY!!! Number 3 lives!!!
Monday, October 07, 2002
Home Sick Today
No, I don't miss home. I'm at home and I'm sick. Get it? I'll write more tomorrow.
Friday, October 04, 2002
How To Fake Your Own Death
Click here. Rest in peace.
This Is EXACTLY What I Was Talking About!
Two women were hit by a catering truck on October 3rd in front of Shands Hospital. Why? Because they were JAYWALKING and not paying attention. They crossed the street as traffic had the green light and were subsequently hit at about 30 mph. Now, I don't wish ill will on anyone but I would like to note that it's exactly this type of behavior that I've been complaining about! No charges will be filed, by the way.
Thursday, October 03, 2002
The World's Greatest Joke!
According to Laughlab, scientists have discovered the one joke with universal appeal. One one that every person regardless of background will love. Except me, it would seem. Here goes:
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of
them collapses. He doesn't seem to be
breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other
guy takes out his phone and calls the
emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says: "Calm down, I can help.
First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a
silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the
phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
See what I mean? Not great. The joke voted the best by the United Kingdom is much better.
A woman gets onto a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby
that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits
down, fuming. She says to a man next to her,
"The driver just insulted me!"
The man says, "You go right up there and tell
him off. Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of
them collapses. He doesn't seem to be
breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other
guy takes out his phone and calls the
emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says: "Calm down, I can help.
First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a
silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the
phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
See what I mean? Not great. The joke voted the best by the United Kingdom is much better.
A woman gets onto a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby
that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits
down, fuming. She says to a man next to her,
"The driver just insulted me!"
The man says, "You go right up there and tell
him off. Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
None Of This Is Real
I was standing in the elevator just now when it occurred to me that it's entirely possible that everything around me is a figment of my imagination. And then it occurred to me that I have a terribly uncreative imagination filled with minutiae and bullsh*t.
North Carolina Honors Earnhardt
The North Carolina general assembly has approved the change of road N.C. 136 to N.C. 3. In honor of Dale. You will be missed. Weep weep weep.
Wednesday, October 02, 2002
Socialized Medicine A Blessing? Read On!
For those of you who believe that socialized, government sponsored (and tax payer supported) medicine is a good thing, look no further than this study of the system in Ontario. They have to wait up to 30 weeks for standard tests such as MRI's and mammograms! No wonder they cross the border to get medical care from us!
Cirque de Soliel, or Why The French are A**holes
While my girlfriend and I were in Atlanta, I made plans for us to attend an event called "Martinis and IMAX", considered one of the more interesting (and romantic) things to do in the city. I got big points for that. The girlfriend loved it. They had martinis and really good food and desserts. She got a dish called "Colossal Shrimp" and these damn things were friggin' huge. I had to take pictures, which I will post as soon as they come back.
So, anyway, after eating and drinking, we were ushered into the IMAX theater. Now, for those of you who don't know, IMAX is a special film format that involves a HUUUGE screen and so it's like sitting entirely too close to the television when you were a kid. We initially signed up for the film "Lewis and Clark" but I changed the tickets to a Cirque de Soliel to make my girlfriend happy. We took our seats in the theater, the lights dimmed and I immediately went cross-eyed watching this huge screen. I tried to fool myself into thinking that it might be cool. I was wrong. It essentially involved people dressed in tights jumping, stretching and throwing each other around while the narrator went on and on about aging and other inane crap. I just don't get it... I mean, some of the things they were doing were impressive, such as lifting themselves up using only a pinky toe... but why not use that strength for something more masculine, like rugby or to become an ultimate killing machine! I just don't get it...
I just read more background on these guys. They're actually French-Canadian. Still... that's just like being French, isn't it?
So, anyway, after eating and drinking, we were ushered into the IMAX theater. Now, for those of you who don't know, IMAX is a special film format that involves a HUUUGE screen and so it's like sitting entirely too close to the television when you were a kid. We initially signed up for the film "Lewis and Clark" but I changed the tickets to a Cirque de Soliel to make my girlfriend happy. We took our seats in the theater, the lights dimmed and I immediately went cross-eyed watching this huge screen. I tried to fool myself into thinking that it might be cool. I was wrong. It essentially involved people dressed in tights jumping, stretching and throwing each other around while the narrator went on and on about aging and other inane crap. I just don't get it... I mean, some of the things they were doing were impressive, such as lifting themselves up using only a pinky toe... but why not use that strength for something more masculine, like rugby or to become an ultimate killing machine! I just don't get it...
I just read more background on these guys. They're actually French-Canadian. Still... that's just like being French, isn't it?
Tuesday, October 01, 2002
It's The Stupid Ass Things You Do That Matter
After lunch, I did one of those bone-headed things that always astounds me. You know... like when you bite into a sandwich and bite your lip or when you drink out of a glass and forget a straw is there to poke you in the head. My girlfriend dropped me off at work and as I stepped out of the car and turned to say goodbye, I noticed my phone recharge on the floorboard. I asked if it was hers and when she said no, I leaned in to grab it. I also misjudged the door frame by a good three inches and slammed my head into the top of the car, which instantly sent a jolt of pain to my scalp and a blinding, star-filled flash to my eyes. My girlfriend gasped and said "Are you alright?" but I just said calmly told her yes and left. I just wanted to be alone with my discomfort and embarrassment.
Anyway, if you happen to talk to me today or read my sight and I don't make any sense, it's because of... iodhj... wiyyfgs owi wiuy... (drool)... pzoiejhlak woiuepq oewi.... alkxz....
Anyway, if you happen to talk to me today or read my sight and I don't make any sense, it's because of... iodhj... wiyyfgs owi wiuy... (drool)... pzoiejhlak woiuepq oewi.... alkxz....
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