Frog's House of Infinite Wisdom

"Rick, look out! I think that Frog guy is behind you."

Yes, I was there as you can clearly see from this picture taken by the Gainesville Sun. At least, I'm pretty sure that's me. Congrats, Rick!

YEAH! I've crossed over the 10,000 hit threshold! Thank you for coming back and telling your friends! I feel pretty! I feel pretty! I feel pretty and witty and wiiiiiiiise!

I was watching the news the other day as I often do and saw a video of this kid dashing out of a burning building with a baby carrier in his hand. He handed the child to a paramedic, looked around quickly, and ran right back in to find more people to save. Little did I realize that he was wanted for parole violation and that he risked life and limb as well as his own freedom to save others. Read this article and draw your own conclusion as to what should happen to him now...

Local elections are today. We will be voting for two at-large city commissioners... so make sure you get to the polls. By the way, I think you should vote for Rick Bryant.

Leave me alone, you freak.

Originally, the net was intended as a conduit for information. Scholars and scientists were rubbing their hands in excitement. I wonder if sites such as these are what they expected. Here's an excerpt:

Two criminals burst in waving shotguns.

'This is a robbery!' they yell. 'You two are hostages.'

'Make them tie each other up,' says the lead robber.

'Ach! I have forgotten the rope,' says his cohort.

'I happen to have a roll of cling-film with me,' I offer diffidently. 'Perhaps that would serve?'

'It will have to. Wrap that man in black in cling-film at once or it will go badly with you.'

'Very well.' Trembling, I take out the cling-film. 'I am sorry Roy, it looks like I have no choice.'

'Do what you have to.'

I start at the feet and work my way up. I wrap him as tenderly as a mother swaddling an infant. I marvel at the play of light on the miraculous translucence. Soon, Roy Orbison is entirely wrapped in cling-film. I thank God that I was born to live this minute.

'He is completely wrapped up in cling-film,' I report.

This guy names Ulli has put together some creepy short stories that involve Roy Orbison and a fetish for plastic food wrap. You'll love the mechanical, emotionless dialog. It's exquisite! Read all three for maximum effect.

Here's a prime example of why baseball needs an overhaul. This game between the Cardinals and the Marlins lasted 6 hours and 7 minutes due to no runs scored until the 20th overtime inning. I wonder if they had a 14th inning stretch...?

This goes to the peaceniks and other asshats that specifically touted the virtues of France. Kiss my pale ass. The French were and are in it for themselves. Their motivation has always been financial. They had billions invested in Iraqi oil access which was only applicable to the Hussein regime. They were against the war because they knew that when the regime was toppled they would have to renegociate the contracts and these new contracts would now include the United States. France didn't care that Hussein was killing and maming his own people. They were and are only in it for the money. And here's more proof. And you "patriots" out there that say they only trust reports from foreign sources.... this article regarding intelligence reports given to the Hussein regime regarding meetings with US officials... it's from the foreign press.

The French are not our friends. Boycott their products. It's the very LEAST you can do. If this report is anywhere close to correct, it could have cost American soldier's lives by letting Iraq know when we would start our attack. BOYCOTT!!!! That means looking at labels before you purchase a product. It's an extra step, but well worth it. They need to know that we will not take their crap any longer!

Click here to see a Hotjobs.com listing straight out of "GlenGary Glenn Ross". And remember... coffee is only for closers!

Finally! There's proof out there that David Hasselhoff is the son of Satan! Click here.

I hope my girlfriend is reading this! They now make a portable, temporary stripper pole for home use! Can you just IMAGINE how great this would be at your next party? I mean... have a wine and cheese party and after everyone has had a bottle of wine a piece, put "Shake Whatch Momma Gave Ya" on the stereo and whip out this contraption! I would bet that it would be an instant hit. I would bet that every girl there has a secret desire to do a pole dance... at least in my mind!

I decided to read the FAQ sheet and saw this:

No, the Lil’ Mynx dance pole is designed for only 1 dancer (under 200 lbs.) at a time.

Ladies, if you're even CLOSE to 200 lbs, stay the hell away from my new stripper pole!!!!

Good stuff. And much better than "Family Circus". Ugh.... And a helluva lot better than that P.O.S. strip "The Boondocks". Check it out...

My girlfriend has a cat. I'm not a cat lover but those of you who have ever dated people who have animals know that you're expected to love that animal almost as much as you love the person you're dating. Truth be told, Jake (the cat) is not that hard to like. The cat's very nice. Too nice, in fact. I grew up with a cat that would randomly attack you for no reason and my parents didn't have enough sense to trim its nails. I lived in constant fear. One of my dad's favorite stories of my childhood is when the cat got up on two legs and swiped at me like a boxer when I was eight years old. Gee, I wonder why I don't have a pet. Anyway... back to Jake. This cat is cool because I can chase him around the house and he forgets how annoying I am a few minutes later and I can do it again. And again.

The reason I bring this whole animal business up is that I found the next step in the evolution of "cat interrogation" in the form of a website called "Carcam". It's brilliant in its simplicity. This guy took an RC car and taped a camcorder to the top of it. Next step, find his dog and chase it around the house. If these videos aren't the cutest damn things you've ever seen, I'll pay you a buck! Not really... Enjoy...

I was looking back at some of the early posts on this site and I noticed that I sure used to write a lot more stuff back then. Now it seems like I just find an article of interest, write a stupid comment and then link to it. Unless it's something that pisses me off or annoys me, I don't say much. What do you guys think of the format? Should I post more articles or less articles with more sarcastic comments? Leave me a note and let me know...

Weeeeeeeeeee.......

Those of you long term readers of my site might remember my entry about "Peter Pan", the oddly-dressed man-child from Tampa. Anyway, I was getting ready to go to sleep and turned over to shut off the tv when I saw him in the chair next to Kimmel while WWE wrestler Goldberg chased a guy around the studio armed with a pillow. Nutso!

A New Delhi freak was arrested for having sex with a cow. When asked for a comment, the cow said "Mooooooo. Keep that guy away from me... er, I mean Moooooooo!"

Ah ha ha ha ha ha! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!

Can you imagine a state as big as California actually running out of money? Well, California is damn close. And the state is in what has been called a "fiscal crisis". I can't believe that people voted for this guy. He's failing the citizens of California. They are actually suggesting handing out "I.O.U.'s" to vendors for services. Click here.

...which means that he won't be killing anyone. At least during the filming. Maybe. Anyway, I suspect we'll see O.J. spending a good portion of his day with a magnifying glass and fingerprint kit looking for the "real killer". And I am SO kidding.

Any one for a jack and coke?

A class-action lawsuit has been filed by four Creed concertgoers because the show was so terrible that they demand the audience be paid back. According to reports, the management decided that the "show must go on"... even though lead singer Scott Stapp was so inhibriated that he was hardly able to perform. I'm sure some people in the crowd didn't even notice...

Every dog has his day. This dog had the day from hell. "Dosha" was hit by a car, supposedly put out of his misery with a shot to the head and then placed in a freezer. Un-freakin-believable.

Check this kid out. He's brilliant. He's done more in 13 years than I've done in...um...more than 13. And he's got the most delightful bowl cut!

Click here. It's a large video file for dialup but worth it. That movie looks CRAZY...

New York City is THE place for strange news. Check it out. Arf!

Sorry I haven't posted anything today. I've been doing a lot of thinking and not much writing.

Do me a favor. Tell one friend about this site. I'd like to see a big jump in viewership. So far, I get about 60 unique hits a day and would LOVE to see more. Oh... and let's see some comments!

Hey gang! I found out a few hours ago that Stephen Root, the great character actor from "NewsRadio", "Office Space", "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?" and a billion other projects, was speaking at the Constans Theater. I managed to get pictures with him and a great autograph! Nice guy...

It's not often you get to spend actual time with a political candidate who not only gives you time but has a non-scripted, casual manner. This guy is great! He's moderate, fiscally responsible and actually CARES about the community! So, I say vote Rick Bryant on the 28th! Click here and check out his site....

I periodically check my guestbook to see if anyone has left me a pearl of wisdom. Today, a guy called UK Boy from Edinburgh decided to comment on the Dennis Miller top ten list that I posted a while ago... and in fact I stated clearly the fact that I didn't really believe it was written by him. Anyway, he went line by line to negatively refute the list. For those who are interested, including UK Boy, I've posted a rebuttal. Click here to read a bunch of blustery bullsh*t by me and my new British friend.

Admit it. You want to kick his ass...

Click here to read the FoxNews report of the 21 year old drunk guy that decided to take out his life's frustrations on the mall Easter Bunny while a line of children looked on.

Caption on this NY Times photo said, "Far from the cheering crowds of Baghdad, Task Force Tarawa spent today repairing vehicles and preparing for the next phase of the war."

Here's a page from our local phone book. Apparently, the ex-Austin Powers agent is hiding out in Gainesville.

Teen rock sensation Avril Lavigne has slammed American President George W. Bush for his stance on the war in Iraq -- but offers high praise for the Prime Minister of her native Canada. The "Sk8er Boi" singer made her outspoken comments after her four-gong triumph at Sunday's Juno Awards -- Canada's equivalent of the Grammy awards. She told a packed press conference, "I don't believe war is a way to solve problems. I think it's wrong. I don't have respect for the people that made the decisions to go on with war. "I don't have that much respect for Bush. He's about war, I'm not about war -- a lot of people aren't about war." But the pop star praised Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chrétien for not committing his country to the conflict. She added, "I know there's issues in Iraq. I'm not really a political person. It's hard for me to talk about the war. I don't really know what to say but I can say that I'm really proud that our Prime Minister backed out from it."

See the knee jerk reaction? They say "I don't respect Bush" and then later admit that they don't know much. Stupid ass.

Here's an excerpt from an op/ed written by the chief news executive at CNN. It's spells out some of the atrocities committed by the Hussein regime and how he was able to control even the US media.

Then there were the events that were not unreported but that nonetheless still haunt me. A 31-year-old Kuwaiti woman, Asrar Qabandi, was captured by Iraqi secret police occupying her country in 1990 for "crimes," one of which included speaking with CNN on the phone. They beat her daily for two months, forcing her father to watch. In January 1991, on the eve of the American-led offensive, they smashed her skull and tore her body apart limb by limb. A plastic bag containing her body parts was left on the doorstep of her family's home.

On the U.F. campus, the student government has set up a microphone and amplified speaker set up on the Plaza so that people can step up and voice their opinion. Here are my impressions of the speakers I saw:

• First speaker I saw was for the Iraq war. He praised the liberation of the Iraqi people. Naturally, he was booed for voicing an opinion for the war effort as he was encroaching on the protester territory.
• Second speaker was a Chinese man. Actually, he was the second, fifth, and seventh speaker. He couldn't seem to stay away from the mike. He was hard to understand as his english was not very good. Anyway, he made the claim that the American press is biased. He also started talking about the China student uprisings in 1989 but I was unable to figure out what he was saying. Later, he said something like "Although we don't have freedom of speech and freedom of the press in China, we are still very free." What?! For one, for someone complaining, you sure are taking advantage of "freedom of speech"! And thanks to China and their control of the press, this SARS epidemic has exploded because they kept it so secret for so long! FOOEY!
• Another speaker said that we need to wait and see how our country handles the transfer of control back to the Iraqis. I agree with that. Man, we sure better not screw that up!
• Another old guy from the local alternate press got on the microphone and talked about how we should study our past because America has a history that involves taking over other countries and exploiting them. Of course, that dick was wearing shoes and a t-shirt that were probably made in Guatamala. Dick. He also said that the "Geneva Conference" stated that a country that destroys another country's infrastructure must restore it. Uh huh. I guess he was pointing out the "Geneva Conference" when the Iraqi's were torturing our POW's on video. He certainly didn't mention that at the time. He lives to think of his own country as the enemy.
• Of course, there were those assorted beat poets that read out of their notebooks, trying desparately to sound wise.

I wish that I was a better public speaker. I really wanted to get on the mike and tell all of those stupid protesters going to a government-subsidized school using Pell Grants, wearing clothes put together by so-called "exploited" countries, to shut their pie holes and watch the footage of all the people excited that they were finally free to move around and smile. GRRR!!!!!

But there can be no denying war's purpose or utility. Three million Afghan women are in school today and a vast Al Qaeda camp is removed because of the bravery of the U.S. Special Forces and because of the skill of our pilots -- not because of the petitions of our well-meaning pacifists. Iraq will be liberated and its 26 million people given a chance of freedom because of the courage of American teenagers in Abrams tanks, not because of "concerned" professors who chanted "no blood for oil" between lattes. - Victor Davis Hanson

Click here to read about Jayde Hanson, the world renowned knife thrower. He had a bad day. Unfortunately, when he screws up, his assistant is the one who suffers. Gulp!

Click here to see the biggest DVD release ever. I can't believe it took this long to get this one released!

I'm sick at home today so I didn't wake up until 11am. I turned on the TV and got to see footage of Baghdad and I couldn't help but smile. I saw Iraqi citizens dancing and cheering at the toppling of Saddam Hussein's statue. One man was sitting on the severed head of the statue while others dragged him around the square. Ride 'em, cowboy!

I wonder what the peaceniks, those people who protested so vehemently against the US, I wonder what they think when they see smiles on the faces of the now-free Iraqi citizenry. I wonder what goes through their head when they read about prisons that are filled with children -- CHILDREN! -- that are finally able to see their families again. I hope that they have doubts about their position, if for only a moment.

Who would have thought that evil lived in Patterson, NJ? Raymond Welsh, 33, was charged with sexually assaulting a student, now 15, while infected with the HIV virus. Read this. Shake your fist in the air.

Hey! It's official! This web site has been here for ONE YEAR! Yeah! I'd like to thank the Academy for this honor!

Click here.

"We are not getting our collective asses kicked. I swear.

Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, Iraq's Information Minister, is delusional. His latest quote regarding the war? "Their forces committed suicide by the hundreds. ... The battle is very fierce and God made us victorious. The fighting continues," he said. "Yesterday, we slaughtered them and we will continue to slaughter them." Amid a crowd of foreign reporters, he also said that there was no presence of American troops in Baghdad at all. Keep thinking that, buddy.

Don't look so surprised, dude...

I came across this news report on "The Smoking Gun" just now and just shook my head. There was a special on VH-1 about Joseph Francis, who at 30 is a multi-millionaire because he decided to point a camera a girls on Spring Break and film their boobies. Do I think the guy's a dirtbag? Yes. Do I think he exploited women? Sort of. Do I feel sorry for the women? Nope. They are idiots. It's a shame that this guy has a private jet and these girls have nothing to show for it but film footage for everyone to see. Am I mad because I didn't think of the idea first? Hey! What's with all of these questions!?!

Well, just like so many people that get too much success too quickly, this guy seems to have hit the wall. He's been charged with filming underage girls. Click here for the article. It makes him out to be quite the scumbag. Shocker!

from Late Night with David Letterman

10. You call yourself "the new Don Knotts"

9. You're getting huge laughs -- but you're a model

8. That mean "American Idol" judge stops by just to tell you how much you suck

7. Your talent: paralyzing stage fright

6. Instead of "Hit me with the digits," Arsenio shouts, "Hit him with a bottle"

5. No one laughs at your spot-on impression of former Secretary of Defense Caspar Weinberger

4. Unlike other magicians, you invoke the dark lord Satan's help in accomplishing your tricks

3. Your own family heckles you

2. You're the only "Star Search" contestant ever to have been gonged

1. A sobbing Ed McMahon screams, "You've ruined my show"

from Late Night with David Letterman

10. "Hi, is this the chopstick hotline?"

9. "Okay, I removed the cap -- now what?"

8. "Can I use it to highlight passages in books?"

7. "Is it safe for my kitty's lips?"

6. "Is it true that the Chinese use these instead of forks?"

5. "I like to dress the tubes in tiny little clothes I make. Is this illegal?"

4. "Is it available in a spray?"

3. "I wrote a 22-page poem about Chap Stick. Where do I send it?"

2. "I lost my Chap Stick -- did anyone turn it in?"

1. "Is Wilford Brimley dead?"

The Ultimate Weapon

BY DAVE BARRY
Miami Herald, April 19, 1998

Pay attention, because I am going to explain our foreign policy.

At the current time (11:21 a.m.) our biggest foreign-policy problem is Saddam Hussein, the evil and amoral dictator of Iran or Iraq, which may actually be the same foreign country.

You may recall that, way back when George Bush was President and most of the White House sex rumors concerned Millie the dog, we beat Saddam in a war. I mean, we kicked his butt. We dropped bombs all over Iraq (or possibly Iran), thereby insuring that Saddam would never, ever, ever again be a threat to the peoples of the world until maybe seven months later, when suddenly, BAM, there he was again! Despite clearly losing the war! That is how amoral he is.

The word was that Saddam was making chemical and biological weapons, which are a clear violation of international rules, because they kill people. So the Clinton administration (motto: ``No We Are NOT Obsessed With Monica Lewinsky Monica Lewinsky Monica Lewinsky!'') was threatening to send Air Force planes over there to drop MORE bombs (which are allowed under international rules, although they also kill people, but in a legal way) on Iran (or possibly Iraq) again.

Perhaps you are wondering: ``What's the point of dropping more bombs, since that is exactly what did not work the first time? Why not just quietly, without making a big public deal of it, send a couple of experienced guys named Victor over there to quietly arrange for Saddam to have an unfortunate shaving accident that results in the loss of the upper two-thirds of his head?''

I am frankly shocked that you would even suggest such a thing. What you're talking about is assassination, which is a serious violation of international rules. On the other hand, it is perfectly OK to drop large quantities of bombs on a foreign country, as long as you are not specifically trying to drop one on the foreign leader, which of course under the rules would be assassination. (These rules are made by lawyers.)

The rules also state that, when you drop your bombs, you are supposed to try to gain a Consensus of World Opinion, which is legally defined as ``at least four nations that know how to make a decent car, plus, if he is not off somewhere building a house, Jimmy Carter.''

This is where we've been running into trouble. America is currently very unpopular in the world. For example, our allies hate us. Especially the French. They have always hated us, of course, for stealing the concept of french fries, but now they REALLY hate us, because our culture has become so dominant that they're having trouble completing so much as a single sentence without using American words. They're always blurting out statements like: ``Le software de la hardware est un humdinger!'' And then they get so mad that they could spit.

Pretty much the entire membership of the United Nations also hates us, because we haven't been paying our dues, which the member nations desperately need so that they can continue carrying out the vital U.N. mission of parking illegally all over New York. In fact our lone international ally at the moment is a man named ``Tony,'' who has been visiting the White House and who claims to be the prime minister of Great Britain, which I for one do not believe for a second. I don't know much, but I know there is nobody in Great Britain named ``Tony.''

So as I said, the world pretty much hates us, and it's getting worse, because every day more nations are being exposed, via international TV syndication, to Jerry Springer. It is only a matter of time before one of these small irate goat-oriented nations decides to launch a chemical or biological attack on us. That's certainly what I want to do when I watch Jerry Springer, and I live here.

My point is that we are not going to get any international help in dealing with Saddam Hussein. It's totally up to us, and I say it's time we stop pussyfooting around and use the ultimate weapon -- the one weapon that will guarantee that Saddam never bothers us again. Yes, as shocking and heartless as it may sound, I'm proposing that we send an Air Force bomber directly over Baghdad, and drop the most damaging, the most horrible, the most morally repugnant weapon that this nation has ever produced: lawyers. (We could even, if necessary, put parachutes on them.)

Within a matter of hours, all of Iraq (or possibly Iran) would be paralyzed by lawsuits; once word got around of the potential size of the damage awards, everybody living within a 50-mile radius of a suspected chemical or biological weapons facility would be complaining of whiplash. Saddam would be ruined for good, and the whole world would thank us. Even the French. Their exact words would be: ``Merci a bunch!''

from the Late Show with David Letterman

10. Replacing giant mural of Saddam with a giant mural of you

9. Addressing all the officers as Cap'n Crunch

8. Teaching captured Iraqi soldiers to sing Kenny Rogers ballads

7. Giving precise coordinates of Wolf Blitzer's beard

6. Closing each report with "Bless our enlightened ruler Saddam Hussein, may he reign for 1,000 years"

5. Distributing leaflets telling Iraqi citizens how to save money by dialing 10-10-220

4. Senior officer asks to see you at 0400 hours; you show up 400 hours later

3. Your name is Geraldo Rivera

2. Your name is Saddam Hussein

1. Bringing your videophone into the shower

An Iraqi citizen by the name of Mohammed risked life and limb to contact the US marines so they could rescue Jessica Lynch, one of our missing POW's. He hates Saddam but more importantly, he detested the treatment of Jessica by the Iraqi officials. Please read this story... especially if you're a peace protestor. The Iraqis are eager to be rid of Hussein. You'll see...

Jonathan Taylor is a 19 year old with a problem. It would appear that he is confused about how to pick up women. At some point, he decided that women love it when you show up at their front door shouting obscenities and brandishing a bible and an erection. Read his strange tale here.

Am I the only one that wants to hug this brave woman?

I know it probably seems condescending but every time I read a story about Jessica Lynch, the recently recovered POW in Iraq, I want to hug her. Feminists would probably want to kick me in the gonads for that but what can I do?

The Rocky Mountain News is reporting that fans left a Pearl Jam concert after lead singer Eddie Vedder placed a George Bush mask on a mike stand and slammed it to the ground. Uh oh...

I'm not even sure how I can improve on this article, except to say that this kid is pretty ballsy for 15. Here's the article. Prepare to either be disgusted or proud.

Some clever person has put together a site that posts most of the relevant statistics of the War in Iraq. Click here and see where we stand.

Click here to read this incredible tale.