Friday, May 28, 2004
Wish Me Luck!
I'm scrambling around like a mental patient because today is "closing day" on my house. If all goes well -- and it BETTER -- I will be the owner of a house at 4pm today. Cross your fingers and toes and so forth...
Thursday, May 27, 2004
O.J. Simpson - Jackass or F*cktard?
From the NY Daily News:
Can't this man be stopped?: Apparently taking a break from his continuing search for the real killers, O.J. Simpson is hoping to mark the 10th anniversary of wife Nicole's savage murder June 12 - along with the fatal knifing of unlucky waiter Ron Goldman - by cashing in big-time.
Star Magazine reports that Simpson's attorney, Yale Galanter, has been shopping his client around for paid interviews.
"It will be expensive," the mag quotes Galanter. "TV rights are going for $100,000. For print rights, between $20,000 and $25,000."
Nothing if not classy, Galanter adds that O.J. might even be willing to do a photo shoot at the Brentwood crime scene and at Nicole's grave site - if the price is right.
"It would have to be a multimillion-type deal," Galanter says. A grave site photo would be "worth $500,000 ... Our preference is a standard interview ... but it's just money."
Wednesday, May 26, 2004
Lakers Peyton Takes Time To Kiss, Fondle Opposition
Tuesday, May 25, 2004
Bird As Music Critic - Cyndi Lauper Pooped On During Show
Girls just wanna eat dung.
The Arizona Central is reporting today that during a Cyndi Lauper show, a bird flew overhead while she hit a crescendo and pooped in her mouth. Really. I don't know if this is news... but I like it. Click here.
Another Sign of the Apocalypse...
Come for our delicious, fresh brewed coffee, stay for our "double burger", wrapped in an edible low-carb piece of cardboard!
My girlfriend and I went to "Cracker Barrel" last night, mostly because we eat like an old, fat couple trapped in a young, skinny couple's body. To my shock and dismay, I noticed that the menu was different, now noting the "net carbs" of some of their "Atkins friendly" dishes.
What's next... Waffle House?
Hitler Decendent Turns Down "Mein Kampf" Royalties
Royalties for Hitler's jailhouse memoir, "Mein Kampf", has been estimated in the millions and his heir wants nothing to do with the money. Peter Raubal, a great nephew of the Nazi monster, is the closest decendent and historians have determined that he his entitled to royalties generated by the sale of the book. He's still not interested and wants to be left alone. Personally, I think its the wrong tactic. It it were me, I would take the money and donate half (or more) of the proceeds to the Simon Wiesenthal Center or the Holocaust Museum. It would be fantastic that the money, a lot of which was generated with white supremacist money, would be used against them! Click here for the story.
Bubba Ho-Tep on DVD!
Bubba Ho-Tep comes to DVD May 25th from MGM!!!! The long anticipated limited Special Collectors Edition Bubba Ho-Tep DVD will be released May 25th in stores everywhere from MGM. This Limited Edition will include a brilliant 12 page color booklet with never before seen pictures of Bruce Campbell and the Cast and Crew. It will include multiple commentaries INCLUDING Bruce Campbell as “Elvis” doing an entire commentary as the King!!! It will have numerous documentaries and behind the scenes of the film. It will also include the never before seen Bubba Ho-Tep documentary as well as the never before seen Bubba Ho-Tep Music Video plus so much more!!! To watch the trailer, get the latest news, and buy cool autographed shirts, posters, and soundtracks please visit www.bubbahotep.com
Monday, May 24, 2004
This Just In! Kirk Douglas Eats Baby.
Jewel - Plays Casino, Does Perfect Don Rickles Impression
Snaggle-toothed singer Jewel played a casino in the northeast recently and subsequently lost her mind. Reportedly, she "told everyone to stop looking at her teeth and look at her breasts." She also referenced Zoloft and Paxil, two anxiety medications. Here are some other eyewitness quotes:
"She said she saw a better audience at a barroom brawl and that all drinkers and smokers were sinners."
Dion said Jewel stopped in the middle of her trademark song, "Who will save your soul," because everyone was singing along. "She said, ‘I would have never guessed you all know the words.’ I don’t know if she was kidding or what."
I'm very sorry I missed this one!
"She said she saw a better audience at a barroom brawl and that all drinkers and smokers were sinners."
Dion said Jewel stopped in the middle of her trademark song, "Who will save your soul," because everyone was singing along. "She said, ‘I would have never guessed you all know the words.’ I don’t know if she was kidding or what."
I'm very sorry I missed this one!
Friday, May 21, 2004
Brutally Honest Personals - Hilarious!
Brutally Honest Personals by Esquire Magazine is just that. Take a look and see what I mean. There are admitted gold diggers, guys that watch the Transformers movie and others who are hopelessly broke. Fun!
Super Heros Among Us
You think super heroes aren't real? Perhaps you should ask the people of Glendale, Arizona. Their local paper is reporting a story about four firefighters who, in the midst of trying to save a child trapped underneath a car, decided that it would take too long for rescue equipment to arrive... and lifted the 3,000 pound vehicle off of him. That's 750 pounds a person. Click here.
Thursday, May 20, 2004
Another Reason To Hate Baseball - Foul Ball Nearly Kills Kid!
My face hurts. Thanks, Philadelphia Phillies!
Apparently, those greedy bastard baseball players have nothing better to do than to hit foul balls at unsuspecting children. MONSTERS?! Click here.
Monday, May 17, 2004
The Birds II - The Ninja Domination
This morning, as I was on my cell phone and walking to work, I heard a loud SQUAAAAK and felt a sharp thud on the back of my head. I swung around to see a bird flying off, perhaps preparing for a second wave of attacks. Needless to say, I got the hell out of there.
So, to those of you PETA people who things that animals are cuddly and sweet, F*** you! You've never been attacked by an unprovoked bird like I have!
So THAT'S How You Make A Baby?
A German couple went to a fertility clinic to find out why they couldn't have a baby. After several tests, it was determined that they were both fertile and should have no trouble conceiving. After the doctor asked them how often they had sex, they responded with a naive "Whadaya mean? What's that?" I kid you not! Click here.
Friday, May 14, 2004
Offensive Site, Anyone?
Click here and then shake your fist in the general direction of the web.
Story So Horrible, I Had To Share...
Boy, 6, fondled in Bronx store
May 13, 2004, 10:34 PM EDT
A homeless man registered as a level-three sex offender was arrested in a Bronx Rite-Aid yesterday after he grabbed a 6-year-old boy and fondled him, police said.
Virerio Franceschini, 35, reached down the back of the boy's pants and then smelled and licked his own finger before kissing the boy on the mouth, police said.
The boy had separated momentarily from his grandmother, who was shopping in another aisle in the store on Southern Boulevard.
Security cameras in the store followed Franceschini around believing he might be a shoplifter, but instead caught the incident on tape. Security guards held Franceschini until police arrived. The boy was taken to Lincoln Hospital.
Franceschini, who lives in a homeless shelter on Garrison Avenue, has two prior sex abuse convictions, police said, as well as a dozen arrests on assorted charges.
May 13, 2004, 10:34 PM EDT
A homeless man registered as a level-three sex offender was arrested in a Bronx Rite-Aid yesterday after he grabbed a 6-year-old boy and fondled him, police said.
Virerio Franceschini, 35, reached down the back of the boy's pants and then smelled and licked his own finger before kissing the boy on the mouth, police said.
The boy had separated momentarily from his grandmother, who was shopping in another aisle in the store on Southern Boulevard.
Security cameras in the store followed Franceschini around believing he might be a shoplifter, but instead caught the incident on tape. Security guards held Franceschini until police arrived. The boy was taken to Lincoln Hospital.
Franceschini, who lives in a homeless shelter on Garrison Avenue, has two prior sex abuse convictions, police said, as well as a dozen arrests on assorted charges.
Once Apon A Time in Mexico
He shouldn't have called me "Padre". I hate that.
I'm damn sure this is the plotline for a western I saw starring Clint Eastwood. In Mexico, a priest and the mayor of a small town became intoxicated and began beating each other. Moments later, the priest brandished a 9mm and shot the man four times, killing him. He then dropped to his knees and shook his fist at the sky as the winds whipped around him and the sky crackled with the sharp sound of thunder. Or maybe I made up that last part. Click here
Thursday, May 13, 2004
Pole Dancing - The Next Fitness Craze, I Hope!
Add a pole at Bally's and I might have to sign up... to watch.
Those wacky, fun loving Aussies are at it again. From the people that brought you Yahoo Serious and Men at Work comes "pole dancing". It's not just for strippers anymore. Click here.
Wednesday, May 12, 2004
My Guestbook...
As you've noticed, I changed the design of the blog... here's the link to my guestbook for the time being, at least until I add the link onto the site.
Click here.
Now... More Than Ever...
Actor Gary Sinise has created an organization that I believe needs to be promoted strongly at this crucial point in the Iraqi War. It's called "Operation Iraqi Children" and its mission is to give young Iraqis the very basics for their education. Pencils, notebook paper, erasers and the like. I'm going to look into this further and organize a drive of my own to give to this organization. Comment me if you're interested in helping... because we can't let the acts of a few barbarian guards overshadow the work we're doing there...
Monday, May 10, 2004
More "Van Helsing" Reviews
Why didn't I research this movie before I went to see it? Why why why why...
"disjointed action thrillride that resembles what you'd get if you inserted crack cocaine into your PlayStation 2"
-- Phil Villarreal, ARIZONA DAILY STAR
"This is a massively silly film, silliness on a grand scale, so silly and over-the-top yet simultaneously so emotionally flat and even dull."
-- Eric D. Snider, ERICDSNIDER.COM
"The film is weighted down by its sheer willingness to bludgeon viewers with never-ending sensation instead of trying to give them an interesting story or characters..."
-- Peter Sobczynski, CRITIC DOCTOR
"There are bad movies, then there are really bad movies — and Van Helsing is even worse than that."
-- Dawn Taylor, PORTLAND TRIBUNE
"disjointed action thrillride that resembles what you'd get if you inserted crack cocaine into your PlayStation 2"
-- Phil Villarreal, ARIZONA DAILY STAR
"This is a massively silly film, silliness on a grand scale, so silly and over-the-top yet simultaneously so emotionally flat and even dull."
-- Eric D. Snider, ERICDSNIDER.COM
"The film is weighted down by its sheer willingness to bludgeon viewers with never-ending sensation instead of trying to give them an interesting story or characters..."
-- Peter Sobczynski, CRITIC DOCTOR
"There are bad movies, then there are really bad movies — and Van Helsing is even worse than that."
-- Dawn Taylor, PORTLAND TRIBUNE
Free Giant Shrimp at Long John Silver's
Don't forget to pick up your free giant shrimp from Long John Silver's today between 2 and 5pm. It's a promotion connected with finding water on Mars. I have no idea why... but you get one free shrimp. A gigantic one. Click here.
Sunday, May 09, 2004
Van Helsing - A Movie Review
Do you smell something?
Planning on seeing "Van Helsing"? Well, don't. It sucks. Big time.
I'd like to apologize to my girlfriend for taking her to this movie and forcing her to sit next to a fat, stupid, chatty bitch that smelled like patchouli.
Instead of going to this movie, you should instead take your six dollars and throw it in the nearest toilet. After you flush, don't forget to juggle the handle. Wouldn't want to waste water!. Thank you.
Friday, May 07, 2004
Michael Moore Admits To Lying. Satan Seeks Out Ice Skates
After yelling and screaming about recent censorship by Disney for no distributing his latest film "Fahrenheit 911", socialist mockumentary film director Michael Moore admitted that his movie never had a distribution deal and he knew that a year ago and not days ago as he previously stated. Lying liars? Mmm... fictitious claims from a fictitious director! Click here.
Thursday, May 06, 2004
Bobby Brown Ordered To Stand Trial For Abuse, Wearing Stupid Bowler Hat
As surprising as it may seem, Bobby Brown has been ordered to stand trial for hitting his emaciated wife, Whitney Houston. According to Brown, the cut sustained by his wife was the result of a playful childhood game of "slap boxing". You remember that game, don't you? Remember when all the kids would get together in the sandlot and select two among them to slap the shit out of each other? Remember that? No? You mean you don't play "slap boxing" with your girlfriend? You can't possibly be saying that Mr. Brown has made up a game to excuse or cover up his behavior? How DARE you!
Click here for the surprising story.
Man Survives Nail Gun To Head - 6 Friggin Times!
Oh sweet, sweet baby Jesus! This guy fell off a roof and onto a nail gun, subsequently shooting himself in the head six times. (I'm now rocking uncomfortably in my chair.) Click here to read the story and see the other x-rays.
Wednesday, May 05, 2004
Get Fantasy Art! With Stevie Nicks! Now!
Have you ever wanted your own fantasy art drawing depicting you riding astride a galliant unicorn? How about one with you, a unicorn, and the singer of the legendary Fleetwood Mac singer, Stevie Nicks? Yeah... me neither.
Well, if can think of anyone who would like a picture of an aged rocker that dresses like a gypsy at an art festival, click here. I'm also encouraging everyone to come up with their own ideas for "Stevie Nicks Inspired Art". Take a look at my example in the comments link!
Tuesday, May 04, 2004
Record Companies Agree To Pay "Missing" Artists
Those sad old record companies have agreed to pay royalties they previously held because they "lost contact with the performers". These performers include P. Diddy and Dolly Parton. We all know that both of those performers are in hiding, don't we? I mean, besides the broadway show, clothing line and music production company, the guy's practically a hermit! And Dolly Parton... forget about it! She's been out of the spotlight for years!
Hey, record companies... I got an idea... instead of going after 12 year olds on Kazaa, why don't you pay the artists what you owe WITHOUT them having to sue you! I mean, you could have mailed Dolly's check to Dollywood! I'm pretty sure she'd get 'em!
Hey, record companies... I got an idea... instead of going after 12 year olds on Kazaa, why don't you pay the artists what you owe WITHOUT them having to sue you! I mean, you could have mailed Dolly's check to Dollywood! I'm pretty sure she'd get 'em!
You Toucha My Daughter, I Smasha You Face!
A mom confronted her 11 year old daughter's adult molester with a flurry of kicks, punches and wacks with a 2x4. He got a four day hospital visit, she got a "you go, girl" from the grand jury. Film at 11. I wish...
Monday, May 03, 2004
Man, Am I Bored?!!
The guy checking out his watch is our new UF President, obviously captivated by the convocation speech given by Senator John McCain, a highly decorated war hero and well respected member of society. This was on the front page of the Gainesville Sun on Saturday.
Saturday, May 01, 2004
This Picture Is Begging For A Caption!!!
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