Tuesday, June 29, 2004

For Your Pleasure - Carmen Electra Kisses Paris Hilton

You're welcome.


Middle School Instructs The "Three R's" - Readin', Writin' and Rimmers

Admit it. This story has you confused. If this was some 24 year old guy, you'd be outraged. But it's a hot young blond and your thinking, damn! That kid must be a stud or something! Take a look at the SmokingGun.com and read the full report, including arrest pictures.

Actual Headline - "Man Shot in Face, Spits Out Bullet"

You have to read this story. It's short, sweet and to the point. Man gets shot in face, spits out bullet. Soon after, he turns green, grows to eight feet in size and smashes a row of cars. Or not.

Mary-Kate Olsen In Rehab?!!!

You gotta be kidding me. The PR machine must be en fuego at this point. The Star Magazine is reporting that Mary-Kate, one half of Olsen Twin Industries, is battling both anorexia AND cocaine addiction. Look for their follow up album "I'm The Cute One, She's The Coke-Addled One" in stores on Tuesday.


Thursday, June 24, 2004

Judge Puts "Gag Order" On Penis

I've seen and read a lot of odd things over the years of doing this blog, but this is definitely one of the strangest stories I've seen. An Oklahoma county judge is being recommended for removal due to some unsavory conduct. I'd hate to ruin the punchline of this joke, which incidently sounds like a plotline from and Austin Powers movie, so I'll just direct you to The Smoking Gun.com and you can read in amazement for yourself.


Putting Torture In Perspective

Here's a great post from GregNews (which you should be reading everyday) comparing the US policies in Iraq towards prisoners (re: Abu Gharib) versus Saddam Hussein's policy.

WANTED: CONTEXT

What is torture? It’s different things to different people. But, one does not have to be an apologist of torture to note that while the abuses in Abu Ghraib were offensive, wrong and punishable, they seem to be far from the torture that runs rampant in other societies. Likewise, the a set of 24 methods which Donald Rumsfeld approved for interrogating Iraqi prisoners – and not to be confused with the abusive actions of seven soldiers at Abu Ghraib – cannot be considered torture. To understand this one should compare American “torture” to the torture of Saddam Hussein.

Rumsfeld: approved of “removing a detainee from the standard interrogation setting and putting him in a less comfortable room.”

Saddam era: “There was a machine designed for shredding plastic. Men were dropped into it and we were again made to watch. Sometimes they went in head first and died quickly. Sometimes they went in feet first and died screaming. It was horrible. I saw 30 people die like this. Their remains would be placed in plastic bags and we were told they would be used as fish food ... on one occasion, I saw Qusay [President Saddam Hussein's youngest son] personally supervise these murders." [Iraqi witness]

Rumsfeld: approved of “replacing hot rations with cold food or military Meals Ready to Eat.”

Saddam era: “The star witness against the government of Iraq hobbled into the room, her legs braced with clumsy metal callipers. "Anna" had been tortured two years ago. She is now four years old. Her father, Ali, is a thick-set Iraqi who used to work for Saddam's psychopathic son, Uday. Some time after the bungled assassination of Uday, Ali fell under suspicion… So the secret police came for his wife. Where is he? They tortured her. And when she didn't break, they tortured his daughter. "When did you last see your father? Has he phoned? Has he been in contact?" They half-crushed the toddler's feet. Now, she doesn't walk, she hobbles, and Ali fears that Saddam's men have crippled his daughter for life.”

Rumsfeld: approved of “adjusting the temperature to uncomfortable levels or introducing an unpleasant smell.”

Saddam era: “When I attended fourth grade in 1981, my teacher called me to the front of the class and asked: "Do your parents say anything bad about the government?" The whole class was staring at me. Stunned and scared, I answered, "No." But when one of my classmates said in passing that Iran was not so bad, she disappeared the next day, along with her family.” [Zainab Al-Suwaij, executive director of the American Islamic Congress]

Rumsfeld: approved of “reversing sleep cycles from night to day.”

Saddam era: “I was greeted at al-Radwaniya [prison] with what is known as "The Reception." They took my clothes off, laid me down on my back and dragged me by my legs across hot pavement until my back was a bloody mess. Then they made me roll in the sand. And just to make sure that the wounds got infected, I had to climb a 15-foot ladder and jump repeatedly into a pit of sewage water filled with blood and who knows what else. All because I wanted to stop playing soccer.” [Former Iraqi national soccer player Sharar Haydar]

Rumsfeld: approved of “deceiving detainees into thinking they were being questioned by people from a country other than the United States.”

Saddam era: “At one point, the interior minister becomes angry that a car apparently belonging to Uday Hussein, elder son of Saddam, gets precedence over his own vehicle in entering a security area. One of two guards at the gate begs forgiveness from Hasan, pleading: "Sir, I did not realize that you were with Mr. Uday. ... I didn't realize. Please, please, in the name of Saddam Hussein, please." The guard, continuing wherever possible with his appeals, is stripped of his epaulet, then his shirt and his beret, and the beatings begin — with wooden poles, sticks and cables. After about 15 minutes, as he lies prone, the attention of the police officers and the cameraman switches to another victim... The man, who gave his name as Ali, said, "We were beaten everyday like this for a month."... Police, Ali said, would show films of the beatings to Hasan, and if he thought a prisoner had escaped too lightly, that man would be pulled out of his crowded cell and beaten again.”

And Saddam era: “Farris Salman is one of the last victims of Mr. Hussein's rule. His speech is slurred because he is missing part of his tongue. Black-hooded paramilitary troops, the Fedayeen Saddam, run by Mr. Hussein's eldest son, Uday, pulled it out of his mouth with pliers last month, he said, and sliced it off with a box cutter. They made his family and dozens of his neighbors watch."

And Saddam era: “This is a regime that will gouge out the eyes of children to force confessions from their parents and grandparents. This is a regime that will crush all of the bones in the feet of a two-year-old-girl to force her mother to divulge her father’s whereabouts. This is a regime that will hold a nursing baby at arm’s length from its mother and allow the child to starve to death to force the mother to confess. This is a regime that will burn a person’s limbs off to force him to confess or comply. This is a regime that will slowly lower its victims into huge vats of acid, either to break their will or simply as a means of execution. This is a regime that applies electric shocks to the bodies of its victims, particularly their genitals, with great creativity. This is a regime that in [the year] 2000 decreed that the crime of criticizing the regime (which can be as harmless as suggesting that Saddam’s clothing does not match) would be punished by cutting out the offender’s tongue. This is a regime that practices systematic rape against its female victims. This is a regime that will drag in a man’s wife, daughter, or other female relative and repeatedly rape her in front of him. This is a regime that will force a white-hot metal rod into a person’s anus or other orifices. This is a regime that employs thalium poisoning, widely considered one of the most excruciating ways to die. This is a regime that will behead a young mother in the street in front of her house and children because her husband was suspected of opposing the regime. This is a regime that used chemical warfare on its own Kurdish citizens - not just on the fifteen thousand killed and maimed at Halabja but on scores of other villages all across Kurdistan. This is a regime that tested chemical and biological warfare agents on Iranian prisoners of war, using the POWs in controlled experiments to determine the best ways to disperse the agents to inflict the greatest damage.”

Can we have some context now?


Apparently, The Whiskey IS Working!


Stuart, 45, seen flying overhead, looking for beer.


Country singer Marty Stuart, 45, was charged with driving under the influence on Wednesday. Ironically, his biggest hit is a song called "The Whiskey Ain't Working".

Super-Friendly Dog Saves Many From Potential Gunman

In Toronto, a man armed with several firearms and 6,000 rounds of ammunition had plans to shoot up a square block. His scheme was thwarted by a friendly dog that approached him and started playing with him. According to police, the man "happen(ed) to be a pet lover, and decided that since there was such a nice dog in the area, that people were too nice and he wasn't going to carry out his plan."

Add "Buerger's Disease" As Another Reason To Quit Smoking


Buerger's Disease is a rare condition whereby the is an inflamation of the interior of the blood vessels, which eventually cuts off blood flow to the extremities. Eventually, the extremities die off and inevitably lead to amputation. So, next time you are considering taking a cool drag off of a Marlboro Red, think about this Cincinnati man who must prepare to amputate his leg up to the knee because of this cigarette-related illness. Check out the link as it has some fantastic pictures of his dead toes.

How ironic would it be if you could get shoes with your Marlboro points?

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

Unfairenheit 9/11 - Slate Writer Disects Michael Moore


Christopher Hitchens is one harsh critic. Just a couple of weeks ago, I was cringing at his critique of President Ronald Reagan. Fortunately, he's honed his intellect at a chubbier, sweatier adversary, Michael Moore. If you've never seen someone pulled apart in print like taffy, this article will do the trick.

Monday, June 21, 2004

Khan and Spears - Kinfolk?


Thanks, AmericanIdle.net!


Toll Booth Complaint Goodness!

Smoking Gun.com has collected a bunch of complaint letters submitted by Massachusetts toll booth patrons. Some include "jerking off gestures". Nice.

Friday, June 18, 2004

Despicable!

I know this blog is supposed to be laughy, jokey fun but I'm too outraged at this particular second. Paul Johnson, the contractor kidnapped by al Qaida was beheaded merely because he was an American. Now, understand that this behavior is exactly the same type of thing that Saddam Hussein would order for his own people and is also the type of terrorist notion that he would have LOVED to carry out further against the US. As far as I'm concerned, Hussein and al-Qaida are cut from the same dirty cloth. He clearly supported al-Qaida and their efforts.

And look at the hypocrisy! Here's a quote from these scumbags:
"Let him taste something of what Muslims have long tasted from Apache helicopter fire and missiles," the statement said.
They care about Muslims? Really? So where were they when the Taliban was mistreating women in Afghanistan? Where were they when Kurds were being killed in Northern Iraq by Saddam Hussein, a fellow Arab?

I hope this incident puts Abu Ghraib in perspective for some people.

Iraq War A Good Thing?

"After Sept. 11, 2001, and before the start of the military operation in Iraq, the Russian special services, the intelligence service, received information that officials from Saddam's regime were preparing terrorist attacks in the United States and outside it against the U.S. military and other interests." - Russian President Vladmir Putin today during a Central Asian security summit.

Despite all the foibles of Bush, including his glaring inability to speak publicly, I still think the war was in the best interest of the United States. Yes, I know... the original arguement for war has been diluted, but the problem is that Bush didn't make clear all the reasons that justified it, including: I certainly don't agree with Bush on everything, including the way the FCC is running ramshot over the 1st Amendment and the limiting of stem cell research, but with regards to the war, he's right on target. No pun intended.

Thursday, June 17, 2004

Joke of the Day - Talking Dog

One day down in Jackson, Alabama, a guy sees a sign in front of a house:

"Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner, Bubba, tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black Lab just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running...."

"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals."

"Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks Bubba what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog! is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"He's a liar. He didn't do any of that shiat."

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

63 Visitors Yesterday?

I checked my logs from the past couple of days and it seems I had a big jump in hits yesterday. 63 visitors, to be exact! Do I have newcomers? Leave a comment if you're new. Matter of fact, leave one if you're an old timer... it makes me warm all over and slightly tingly in my bleem. Don't ask.

Those Sexual Assault Conference Goers Sure Can Party!

In Concord, New Hampshire, attorney general Peter Heed was forced to resign after several complaints of grabbing women by the back of the neck, dragging them onto the dance floor and groping them." The dance was a social event scheduled for a domestic violence and sexual assault conference. Alanis Morrisette was unavailable for comment.

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

Drunk Blind Man Drives Golf Cart Through Town. Buckle Up For Safety!

The Wilmington Star has a fascinating story about a drunk blind guy who drove through Peachtree City with his seeing eye dog and a enhibriated buddy as a copilot. Stevie Wonder was unavailable for comment.

Monday, June 14, 2004

Hey Atkins Dieter! Your Breath Stinks!

What's up, yuckmouth?

This just in! The low-carb diet will make you skinny and stinky, according to doctors. Just another reason to take on this wacked-out lifestyle...

Sunday, June 13, 2004

Happy Birthday, Mary Kate and Ashley!


It's official... the twins are now 18 years old. Look for Playboy to offer them millions to pose in the coming days.

Friday, June 11, 2004

Celebrating Reagan's Legacy in a Halter Top


Yesterday, some people in the office and I had a discussion about the types of people that waited to see President Reagan's casket as it made its way into the Capitol Rotunda. It was clear that a large percentage of people dressed down for the event, wearing shorts and t-shirts and the like. My view at the time was that it wasn't inappropriate because these were the people that Reagan represented and that this was not an official funeral service. My coworkers remarked that they couldn't imagine people wearing khaki shorts during similar events in the past. Well, the Washington Post has written an article about this very issue. Let me know what you think... I'm curious what the consensus is on this one, as I'm not sure myself.

Say Something Funny, Bobby Tisdale!

The Onion A.V. Club has a feature called "Say Something Funny" as a way to interview comedians and allow them to riff. The question posed is "What is funny?" Check out the answer by Bobby Tisdale, involving the WNBA, Connie Chung, and a Taco Bell MexiMelt.

Thursday, June 10, 2004

Scientists Claim Dogs Can Understand Human Language.

This is good news! Scientists have discovered that dogs have the ability to make object-word associations on par with a three year old child. This means that I don't need to have kids! Dogs can fetch stuff, can poop outside and don't require an allowance. Oh... and it's not against the law to keep them in a cage.

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

Assault With A Deadly Chalupa


This suspect is wanted for questioning.


The aptly named Christopher Lame, 24, was arrested in Des Moines, Iowa, for assaulting an employee from a local Taco Bell restaurant for forgetting to give him a taco that was part of his order. Instead of throwing a fist, he threw a chalupa, hitting the employee in the eye. Good thing it wasn't a supreme or he might have been killed.

Saturday, June 05, 2004

Eric Benet - Halle Berry's Ex is First Class Sh*thead


Take a look at a real life "himbo"!


According to IMDB.com, ex-husband of uber-hottie Halle Berry is planning on fighting the prenuptual agreement and amendments to that agreement, claiming that he is entitled to spousal support. Remember... this is the same guy that had a "sex addiction" problem and just couldn't stop cheating on Berry, who is arguably one of the finest looking women on the planet. Scumbag!

Reagan Passes



President Ronald Reagan passes away at age 93.

Friday, June 04, 2004

Band "Creed" Breaks Up - Melodramatic Crap-Rock Mantle Up For Grabs

The crap-tacular rock band "Creed" has decided to close up shop, according to VH1.com. They better not be teasing!

Tuesday, June 01, 2004

Kung Fu Madness - A New Internet Addiction


Kung Fu Madness is the latest in time-wasting activities on the internet. Not that this is a bad thing. The site is sort of an advanced "paper rock scissors" game, but instead of those objects, you have high, middle and low kicks and punches, along with matching blocks. You can randomly select opponents and go in with a fighting "technique" and if you manage to connect your blows, you defeat your opponent and subsequently, your belt ranking.

I've made it sound WAY more complicated than it is. Just check it out.

Frogbrother - The "Proud" Homeowner

Well, after several months of creating, collecting, and studying paperwork, I've finally closed on a house. It has a roof, walls, and a couple of toilets. It also has a brand new kitchen, as the previous owner took a sledgehammer to the old one out of frustration. Anyway, you're all welcome to stop by and check it out. Don't forget to wipe your feet.

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