Frog's House of Infinite Wisdom

I originally thought that this was one of those f'ed up internet pranks, but it's now being reported widely that Mitch Hedberg, one of the truly unique modern comedians, has died of a heart attack. No doubt his drug-abusing past finally caught up with him. RIP, Mitch.

Here are some Mitch-isms for those who don't know him:

• I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
• If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.
• I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get a hold of me they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "What" and turn my head slightly...
• I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number. Something like, 222-2222. I would say sweet. People would say, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I would say, "Press 2 for a while, and when I answer, you will know that you have pressed 2 enough."
• I wrote a script for a guy, and he said he liked it but he thought that I need to rewrite it. I said, "Fuck that, I'll just make a copy."
• Foosball fucked up my perception of soccer. I thought you had to kick the ball and then spin 'round and round. I can't do a back flip, much less several...simultaneously with two other guys.
• I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.
• The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're fucking relentless.
• A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
• I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
• I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
• My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause."
• People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
• Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus... one of those two doesn't sound right.
• I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
• When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say "Dufresne, party of two. Dufresne, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say their name again. "Dufresne, party of two, Dufresne, party of two." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufresnes? No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this - people are missing. You fuckers are selfish... the Dufresnes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry! That's a double whammy. Bush, search party of three! You can eat when you find the Dufresnes.
• I hate turtle necks. I have such a weak neck. Plus if you wear a turtle neck it's like being strangled by a really weak guy... all day. And if you wear a turtle neck and a backpack it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
• I tried to throw away a yo-yo. It was fucking impossible.
• I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. Damn.
• Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out fliers. And when someone tries to hand me out a flier it's kinda like they're saying 'here - you throw this away.'

Burger King is now offering a deliciously dangerous new breakfast sandwich, the "Enormous Omelet Sandwich". For those of you who count calories, start counting now. You'll be busy for a while. The sandwich is loaded with mouth-watering bacon, sausage, eggs and cheese.

Let me put it this way. You know those Richard Simmons "Deal-A-Meal" cards. Well, if you ate this sandwich, the only thing you'd be able to eat for the next 3 days would be the actual cards. Mmmm...

For anyone who is interested in getting the sh*t scared out of them, I found a link to one of the creepy flash animations that were made by the Minnesota school shooter, Jeff Wiese. This one's called "Clown" and it'll make ya poop your Pampers.

...but he's just not IN LOVE with Brad.

That's just a taste of what you'll find on the worldoflongmire.com site. Hi-larious.

Anyone want to do blow off a hooker's ass?

Former sports anchor and current Access Hollywood schlockist Pat O'Brien has been all over the press lately as he is battling alcohol demons while in rehab. Apparently, this is the least of his problems. Stories are now bubbling up referencing multiple sexual harassment complaints, some of which are rough enough to make Howard Stern blush.

Just to add to the creepiness factor, someone has posted a series of voicemails left by O'Brien (in Windows Media format) which spell out the various kinky and unsanitary things he'd like to do to the recipient, all of which are in his trademark nasal voice. Take a listen... but be warned, it's VERY unsafe for work.

UPDATE: Someone in rehab with Pat O'Brien has a blog about his experiences. Hot!

A new technology developed by NASA may hold the key to water purification. Originally considered for astronauts, scientists have come up with a filtering system that collects and processes sweat and urine and creates water that is cleaner than tap water, just like in the book "Dune". A processing plant is already in the works. This technology, although absolutely disgusting, can offer help to countries with contaminated water supplies, such as in Iraq and the tsunami-ravaged nations. So, drink up!

The site ONHD.TV has a brilliant page listing the ten best and worst celebrities on HDTV. As you may or may not know, the invent of High Definition Television has actors and makeup artists cringing due to the exponential increase in detail, especially during close-up. Edward James Olmos, in HD, looks like a sea sponge.

Howard Stern fan, anyone? Well, if you are, you know about Captain Janks and his ability to break through the most discerning call screeners at the major news networks and get on the air live. Well, he's done it again. Take a peek at his latest prank.

Well, instead of sulking and feeling bad about myself, I took an obnoxious message left on my cell phone by my dad and posted it on a popular website, where it was downloaded 3500 times. Besides a number of very concerned and sympathetic posts, including one which recommended that I "baker act" my dad, a few decided to take the audio and remix it. I created a dedicated audioedit page listing all of the posts. Take a listen and let me know which one you like the best. Also, leave your email in the comments section if you're interested in submitting your OWN Psycho Dad edit!

Michael Jackson tells the jury how many times he's had his nose broken and reshaped.

Are you sensing a trend? Here's a page that shows the many faces of the Gloved One... with funny editorials to boot!

Well, jackass, get ready for a Florida legislative butt kicking. The Florida House and Senate is pushing a bill through that would make driving the speed limit or slower in the passing lane punishable with a $60 fine and 4 points on your license. It's about time, I say. There are too many idiots out there that impede the flow of traffic because they don't understand the purpose of the left lane, which is meant to be a transitional lane for passing. You see it all the time and it's typically someone with Michigan plates in a Minivan. Move your sh*t to the right lane so those of us who actually LIVE in Florida and KNOW where we're going can get there. Don't you notice the mile-long row of cars behind you?

Nutrigrain has a commercial that will most likely never be on broadcast television. It's strange as hell and very funny. Enjoy!

...and this goes to the jackass that sat next to my girlfriend during the regular season game against Kentucky. Yeah, you. You're the guy that bitched the whole time about OUR team and about how we have lost to Kentucky 7 times in a row. You wouldn't stop saying negative, stupid sh*t the whole game. You even left before the end of the game and missed watching us finally win.

In your stupid, yankee face, beeeeyotch.

According to ThisIsLondon.com, Bruce Willis was spotted canoodling with Lindsay "My Dad's Crazy and I need a Drink" Lohan at a local Beverly Hills watering hole. At one point, he allegedly pulled down her pants to admire a tattoo on one of her butt cheeks. Way to go, Bruno!

From MyWay.com: Mar 10, 7:55 AM (ET)

BATES TOWNSHIP, Mich. (AP) - A man cooking in his kitchen was shot after one of his cats knocked his 9mm handgun onto the floor, discharging the weapon, Michigan State Police said.

Joseph Stanton, 29, of Bates Township in Iron County, was shot in his lower torso around 6 p.m. Tuesday, the state police post in Iron River reported. He was transported to Iron County Community Hospital.

Michelle Sand, a spokeswoman at the Iron River hospital, said Stanton was treated there before being transferred to Marquette General Hospital for further treatment. But Marcie Miller, a representative of the Marquette facility, said there was no record of the hospital receiving a patient by that name.

A telephone message seeking comment was left Wednesday at Stanton's home.

State police said he was cooking at his stove when the cat knocked the loaded gun off the kitchen counter behind him.

Rumor has it that the cat has recently joined "G-Unit".

What you lookin' at, foo?

Ever imagine what the rap classic "Bitchez Ain't Shit" would sound like if filtered through the mind and keyboard of Ben Folds? Well, wonder no more...

So, for some stupid random reason, I got a response to a post I made in June of last year regarding the war in Iraq. Normally, I would try and ignore such things, but this guy basically took quotes from my post and tried to line item and denounce every one. Mind you, his post was after the first legitimate election in Iraq in 50 years. And after recent moves for democracy in Syria, Egypt, and Saudi Arabia, among others. No doubt, this guy sees it as a coincidence.

Let me quote this jackass directly.

"Suicide bombers" in Palestine are responding to an unjust and uncontroversially illegal occupation. However irrational and wrong their response may be is irrelevant.

Irrelevant? Really? So, based on your stupid, granola-munching logic, if you have a grievance, any response is justifiable. You know what, asshat? Everyone has a grievance, but that does NOT mean that it's "irrelevant" that that a person can strap a bomb to themselves and kill innocent people in a nightclub, or on a city bus. Osama bin Laden also has a grievance that he and several thousand other like-minded fucktards decided it would be a great idea to kill thousands of people.

Oh... and Frederic, or Siva or Dungeon Master, or whatever name you go by... Scott Ritter is the LAST person I would use as a source of material. But perhaps I will: "I am more aware than any UN official that Iraq has set up covert procurement funds to violate sanctions. This was true in 1997-1998, and I'm sure its true today." Saddam was doing everything he could to violate sanctions, starve his people, and build up his finances (with the blessing of the French, Russians and Germans).

Anyway, here's "Frederic Christie's" genius words: (The parts in quotes are from my original blog post)

"Not allowing weapons inspections, thereby breaking countless UN resolutions. Those resolutions called for severe action if ignored or broken. The fact that we went in despite not having full UN support is proof positive that the UN is ineffective. It's like a kid in high school with a weekend curfew of 11pm that comes in at 3am and doesn't ever get punished. Pretty soon, that kids' going to ignore the curfew all together, because your parents are all talk." A) The resolutions in question did not actually force a violent response but allowed a variety of responses. B) The resolutions in question were rammed down the UN's throat by US diplomacy. C) As recalcitrant as Saddam may have been, the main force blocking inspections was the US - just read Scott Ritter's testimony against the war. The amount of lies that the US government put out was just staggering, and it was not from the intelligence community, who were very forthright about the laughabilty of Bush's charges. D) The UN is a primary agent in a variety of important fields, but insofar as it's ineffective, that's largely the US' fault for blocking almost all of its actions and generally waging a war on it ever since the organization stopped doing as it said. Further, if Saddam proved the UN "ineffective" (despite the incredible steps towards disarmament created only by peace and inspections), surely the US bombing in direct defiance of the UN would do far worse to the organization. "Hussein paid cash money to families of suicide bombers in Palestine. That's terrorist support, plain and simple." A) "Suicide bombers" in Palestine are responding to an unjust and uncontroversially illegal occupation. However irrational and wrong their response may be is irrelevant. B) This rumor has been challenged a number of places - it turns out that Saddam gave plenty to victims of Israeli atrocities as well. C) That sure doesn't justify bombing a country, endangering and terrorizing hundreds of thousands of people (15,000 dead in the most conservative estimates, according to Iraqi Body Count), and proving the worst allegations made by al Qaeda true, thus creating a new opportunity for and a new justification and necessity for WMD proliferation and terror in and out of Iraq. "Hussein harbored countless high-level terrorists in his country, such as Abu Zarqawi. Look his name up if you're interested." That's flatly false. Virtually all of the terror charges have been disputed; for example, "The first time most Americans heard the name of terrorist Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was when Colin Powell stood before the United Nations to make his case for invading Iraq. While much of Powell's statement turned out to be fictional, Zarqawi is unfortunately quite real." Further, that doesn't justify a unilateral US invasion and the increase in terror created by the war. "Hussein plotted to kill President Bush, Sr. Now, one thing that enfuriates me is hearing those people that say "We went to war because they tried to kill his daddy." Excuse me, but he's a former President of the United States?! If some rogue country attempted to kill President Carter or Clinton or Ford, I would HOPE that we would kick someone's ass over it!!!" First of all, this has been questioned; but then, why is killing 15,000 people to avenge one leader, not to mention endangering the US permanently, justified by this? "Hussein terrorized, mutilated and murdered his own people. Often. For instance, take a look at an ESPN report regarding the Iraqi Olympic Teams and how they were brutalized for not competing up to par." And far worse... Atrocities we eagerly supported all throughtout the 80s and even after the Gulf War.

There's an interesting story referenced by Michelle Malkin which refers to a man named Tracy McIntosh who sexually assaulted a woman and pleaded "no contest" to the attack. The judge gave him a lenient sentence because he is one of the leading stem cell research scientists and felt that taking him away from his work would cause more harm to society than good.

Does this seem fair to you? I'm not sure how I feel about this one...

From Craigslist.com:

TRAINER/ACTOR Wanted for GAY NAKED WORKOUT DVD

Reply to: info@thenakedworkout.com

Date: 2005-02-28, 5:25PM PST

New independent production company is casting for a fun and informative nude workout video for gay men—this is NOT porn.

We are looking for a personal trainer, mid 20s’-late 30s’, with knowledge of fitness. Must be charismatic and confident on camera—the symbol of fitness and health, and very attractive.

Must be comfortable with nudity, being naked with, and touching other men (there will be a group shower scene, but no sex). Publicity appearances required as part of contract. Pays $1000.

Will shoot on location in mid April. Must be able to work mid-week. All races and looks will be considered. No drug users or smokers. This is non-union with pay.

Please send pictures and resume to: Naked Workout Video, 940 Westmount Ave., Suite 204, West Hollywood, CA 90069 or info@thenakedworkout.com.

Job location is West Hollywood
Compensation: $1000. Publicity appearances required as part of contract.
This is a contract job.
Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.
Reposting this message elsewhere is NOT OK.

Scrait up gangsta, yo!

So, the PsychoDad saga has picked up a bit of steam. I've anonymously posted the audio on a VERY popular news aggregator and people from around the world are listening and updating and adding their creative edge to the recordings. It has been set up as an audio editing contest and as soon as the voting is over, I'll post the best of the best for you to taste, chew, and enjoy.

Right now, I'm sitting in a classroom at New Horizons (a computer training center) learning how to use Access 2003. Have you ever taken one of those one or two day seminar classes where you are thrown in with a bunch of people you don't know? And there is always one person who absolutely NEEDS attention... and they demonstrate this by blurting out answers in class (which are usually wrong). Well, we've got one. She's fifty-ish, with short fake red hair and a style that looks like an M-80 was exploded in the back. Today, she decided to wear a black outfit that shows off every curve of her roly-poly body. For two days, she's brought a carafe of hot water, which she loudly pours every half hour. She was also suffering from some sort of allergy attack and allowed us all to enjoy it by sneezing and wheezing for the first two hours. When the instructor finally asked if she was ok, she pulled the tissue away from her face, revealing an eclair-sized mucus stream which hung from her nose like a playground swing. I can't get that image out of my head and am trying to keep from barfing up my breakfast burrito. How's YOUR day going? erp....