Frog's House of Infinite Wisdom

Claiming he wanted to "go out crazy" after being diagnosed with cancer, Ronald Stewart Howze, 44, of Trafford, Alabama was pried from his girlfriend/sister and charged with felony incest after being discovered by his wife and several officers knockin' boots in a back bedroom of the couple's trailer.

Yes, trailer. And yes, sister.

Sometimes, the jokes just write themselves. For instance, here's a quote from the news report: "The officer had to twice tell the couple to stop, and the officer's report quoted the man as saying "I guess I'm going to jail" after they finally complied, according to Christian."

I guess so, Ronald. I guess so. It's amazing what several bottles of "Old Crow" and some low tar cigarettes will do to your libido.

• Blue (the annoying dance song)
• We Will Rock You!

Think you know everything about the legendary gangsta rap group N.W.A.? Well, take this quiz and put your knowledge to the test. And remember... Ice Cube will swarm... on any muthaf*ckah in a blue uniform. Unless he's called back to the set of "Are We There Yet 2".

A chimpanzee at a South African zoo has discovered the cool, refreshing, low-tar experience of Marlboro 100's. The zookeepers tried to get him to quit, but his version of a nicotene fit involves throwing feces.

Trial lawyers have already begun contacting the animal kingdom in preparation for future lawsuits.

A professor from Berkeley had his laptop stolen by one of his students, allegedly so he or she would have access to the final. Now, normally, this isn't news, but this professor is is a geneticist who is currently working with a Fortune 500 company and another company about to go public and his laptop contains trade secrets from both companies. Now, the student has every segment of law enforcement on his ass.

Don't take my crappy description alone... listen to the professor's lecture given to his class regarding the missing computer.

UPDATE: The professor was moved to intense exaggeration and has admitted that he lied about the trackability of his laptop in order to spook the thief. It didn't work...

Come for our hash browns, stay for our innoculation!

From Newsday.com:

KNOXVILLE, Tenn. -- Unable to find the source of a hepatitis A outbreak in eastern Tennessee, health officials offered to inoculate as many as 5,000 people who ate at a restaurant where an infected food server worked.

Health officials offered free shots Tuesday to anyone potentially exposed at the Waffle House in Clinton from April 5 to April 15, when the restaurant estimates it served as many as 5,000 people.

Dr. Paul Erwin, director of the regional health office, said the infected employee was a victim of the outbreak.

Seventeen cases of hepatitis A, a viral liver disease that can be spread through poor hygiene, have been confirmed in recent weeks. Two people were hospitalized.

Officials suspect all were infected at a LaFollette restaurant in March, but no employees at that restaurant or any other in Campbell County have tested positive. It can take up to a month before an exposed person becomes sick.

"Unfortunately, because it covers such a large block of time, they (the victims) have eaten at several restaurants," said health office spokeswoman Carole Martin.

Juggling AND dancing? Let's see him get to second base with a chick!

We've all seen these geeked out kids on that game "Dance Dance Revolution" in the arcade... you know.. the one with the blaring music and labeled squares on the floor that require the player to follow the on-screen directions, all the while looking like an epileptic that just snorted Kool Aid powder.

Well, take a look at the new Lord of the Cyber-Dance.

Not only is this kid following along on the difficult level of DDR, but he's doing it while juggling. Damn.

Try and ignore the fat load in the corner watching this guy perform. Man, I hate people like that!

...that this is the way we should treat the troops coming back from Iraq, regardless of how we feel about the war?

Locals in Bangor, Maine, are on a mission to greet every military plane, at any time, in any weather. Their tally so far: 200,000 troops.

By Tony Perry
Times Staff Writer

BANGOR, Maine — Tired and bleary-eyed, Marines of the 1st Battalion, 7th Regiment, based at Twentynine Palms, Calif., were finally back on U.S. soil after seven months on the front lines in Iraq.

But they were still many miles and hours from their families and the homecoming they longed for. Their officers told them they would be on the ground for 60 to 90 minutes while their chartered plane was refueled.

So they disembarked and began walking through the airport terminal corridor to a small waiting room.

That's when they heard the applause.

ining the hall and clapping were dozens of Bangor residents who have set a daunting task for themselves: They want every Marine, soldier, sailor and airman returning through the tiny international airport here to get a hero's welcome.

Even if the planes arrive in the middle of the night or a blizzard, they are there.

Composed mostly from the generation that served in World War II and Korea, they call themselves the Maine Troop Greeters. They have met every flight bringing troops home from Iraq for nearly two years — more than 1,000 flights and nearly 200,000 troops.

"Here they come. Everybody get ready," said Joyce Goodwin, 71, her voice full of excitement, undiminished by the hundreds of times she has shown up to embrace the returning troops.

s dozens more Marines came down the corridor, the applause grew louder and was accompanied by handshakes, hugs, and a stream of well wishes: "Welcome home." "Thank you for your service." "God bless you." "Thank you for everything."

Faces brightened. Grouchiness disappeared. Greeters and Marines alike began taking photographs. The Marines were directed down a corridor decorated with American flags and red, white and blue posters to cellphones for free calls to family members.

They found a table with cookies and candies. Plates of homemade fudge circulated.

"Welcome home, gunny," said Al Dall, 74, who served in the Marines during the Korean War, as he thrust his hand at a startled Gunnery Sgt. Edward Parsons, 31, of Shelby, N.C.

"This is incredible," Parsons said. "Now I know I'm really back in the world."

(continued...)

I was watching VH1 Classic this weekend with my friends, which is something I hardly ever do. We were laughing at the end of "Armegeddon It" by Def Leppard, because it's Def Leppard and the lyrics are absolutely rediculous.

The screen faded to black. What could the next video be? Well, my friends, only the greatest video in the history of music. No, not "Billy Jean". It was a song by our old friend, Yngwie Malmsteen, called "I'll See The Light, Tonight" and it had more cheese than a Kraft dairy farm. Over the top singing, fire breathing dragons, wizards with bad makeup, lazers, flashpots, flaming guitars, sour-lemon-faced rock star poses, big hair... it had it all.

It was so perfect that I decided to post it here (in Quicktime format). Feel free to leave comments. Make sure to watch it several times so as not to miss all the glorious fromage.

(Here is the video in a higher resolution. It's a big file (64 mb), so be warned...)

Take a listen to the message left on my voicemail by some guy named "Pat". After that, call the police.

One of the news items I like to cover, besides the "bag lady with 67 cats" stories, are ones where ordinary people do extraordinary, almost supernatural things. The latest one is out of Kansas City, Kansas, and involves two men who lift a 2200 pound car off of a child pinned during an accident.

Here's an item I randomly happened apon when reading a story about DNA medical assessments. Target.com is selling DNA kits for newborns for mapping and identification purposes, just in case you need the information for future medical advances. This is for nutty parents who don't have a medical fridge to store their child's blood, hair and skin samples. So remember to pick one up in addition to that 24 ounce bottle of dry scalp formula Head and Shoulders.

• One of her ex-husbands "forced" her into having three-way sex involving another chick.
• Her other ex, Ted Turner, had a problem with frequent urination. He also had a problem sticking his country pee pee in other women a mere two weeks after they were married.
• Despite the fact that she was, at one point, the nation's fitness guru, her secret to weight loss involved her pointer finger and her uvula.
• She's really quite sorry for posing for pictures astride a Vietnamese anti-aircraft gun during the Vietnam War. It was the diet pills talking, I suppose.
• She's NOT sorry for posing for pictures with captured POW's.
• She had breast implants that she later had removed.

Gee, your ass smells terrific!

Forget the personal computer! Never mind the light bulb! Who gives a flying sh*t about the automobile! Some genius has invented something we can ALL use -- the fart pillow.